Here we go again....

Miss X!

2007-08-29T07:07:00.000-05:00

You know you want to email me... dmcd82@hotmail.com or vililyia52@yahoo.com

I slacked off again, but I'm still here!

2007-08-25T23:20:00.000-05:00

So updates!

Diabetes is kicking my butt. It won't be determined until after this kiddo is born whether or not I have true type 2 diabetes or if it's just gestation diabetes again. They caught it at 11 weeks of pregnancy, so the doctors are really thinking I'm s.o.l. I'm up to 3 injections a day, which wouldn't be so bad if I could figure out where I'm supposed to be giving these injections! When I was preggo with Angelina, it worked out just fine that I did the shot in my leg, so I figured that would be the way to go. Problem being that I had to start on the diabetic diet so early in this pregnancy that my fat disappeared. If I give the injection in the leg, no matter how hard I pinch the fat, I end up doing the injection in my muscle which causes my blood sugars to go too low. Like about to pass out low. So at my last endochronologist appointment, the doctor told me to give myself the shots in this spot just below my ribs. Fine and dandy for a couple days, but now I can tell I'm not hitting fat there either. Oy. I wonder how much I'll weight after I give birth this time. Maybe I could be the next Kate Moss... gross.

Thanks to the diabetes, I got to go for a special ultrasound. Lovely 2 hour appointment with a 1.5 hour drive each way. That went nicely. They said they could tell with 98% accuracy that there were no defects with my munchkin, which is another girl :). I would have been happy with a boy or girl, honestly. But it is nice to think about how much money I'm going to save on baby clothes in the short term. Angelina has far too much clothing for each size she's worn, so it's nice to know for sure those clothes will see plenty of use.

As for her royal highness Angelina, she's doing well. Lil Miss Cranky Pants is finally starting to not be quite as cranky. She definately has a strong personality, very humorous, and knows what she wants. She's learned to use the VCR (heaven help me!!!) to watch the same episode of VeggieTales over and over no matter how many times I tell her no.

Angelina is totally obsessed with the Disney Princesses. Clothes, couch, chair, coloring book, books, shoes, etc. She gets so excited when she sees them and shouts "Sessa, sessa!". Definately cute. Okay, so maybe she doesn't look quite that cute in the picture above, but she does have a huge thing in her mouth lol!

So here's a better one. Note the Disney Princess pillow and nightgown. Now I just need to find a Disney Princess toddler bed that I approve of and we'll be set. Maybe! Right now the two basic ones I can fine are either plastic with decals (yeah, those would be picked off in no time), or wooden beds that cost twice as much as the plastic ones. I'm almost tempted to try ebay....

I'm back!!!

2007-07-29T00:49:00.000-05:00

After a tough time with PPD and keeping up with a baby, then a long bout of no real internet access, I'm back!

For those that don't know, I'm currently expecting baby #2! Due on Christmas, but it'll be a scheduled c.

We're doing good over here. Angelina is really thriving (a little too much, doc said to watch what she eats).

DH joined the Army. He's off at basic training right now. When that's all over with, I'll get to be a SAHM!

More to come, just taking so much time catching up with all things internet that I really need to hit the sack!

Time flies!!!

2006-02-22T19:12:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted! I did actually make an entry since my last one, but I'm keeping that one private, it's much to emotional.

Angelina is almost 8 weeks old now and I'll be heading back to work a week from this coming Friday :(. In some ways I am looking forward to it, but if I had the choice, I would not be going back.

Things are going pretty well for us. We have a nice bedtime routine now and it works pretty well! It's amazing how much happier Angel has been in the mornings since we started our routine a week ago.

We've had some trouble with gas, but that's getting better. Angel just gets a little cranky in the evenings because of it. She's growing like a weed, I swear and is truly my little angel :).

As for me, I just can't do anything normal. Despite exclusive breastfeeding, I managed to see the return of my period at 6 weeks post-partum. I hadn't even stopped bleeding from the c-section yet, uhg! I've also managed to come down with nice case of PPD, but thanks to some good meds, that's under control.

UTI?

2006-01-12T22:46:00.000-06:00

The nurse finally called me back and after consulting with the doctor, they think it's just a UTI. That makes total sense to me so I asked Chris to pick my up some cranberry juice on his way home from work, that usually does the trick for me. They told me to watch my tempurature and if things get worse, they'll gladly see me right away.

Kristy - In response to your comment, yes we are only doing sponge baths right now, those were my instructions from the doctor and the nurses at the hospital. And after a minor bleeding episode last night, I'm not going to push it... as much as I'd love to. Also, I really need to get Angelina used to taking a bottle from DH. Once I go back to work, he'll be the one feeding her during the day. I still have plenty of time to get her used to it, I'm wondering if part of the problem could be that Chris is nervous about feeding her and she's sensing that? I don't know if he is nervous at all, but maybe it is a matter of having to get Chris used to feeding Angelina, not the other way around lol!

Everything I've been meaning to post.

2006-01-12T15:38:00.000-06:00

I've been trying desperately to come up with something to write here that isn't baby related and I've finally found it! lol

I'm getting angry. We live in a nearly brand new apartment and the paint is coming off the walls! There's a spot over our balcony door about a foot or so long that is threatening to fall and further down on the same section of ceiling you can clearly see areas where the paint is bubbled out. Not cool. And last night, I ever so gently ran into the corner of a wall on the other side of the room and a chunk of paint about 2 inches wide fell off the wall. WTF? Also, the balcony door isn't closing all the way. I can get it to close enough to keep a draft out when combined with the storm window, but I can't get the deadbolt locked and it's pretty obvious if you look at the top of the door that it is not closed.

Chris talked to the apartment manager about the ceiling paint last week (he didn't know about the door) and was told someone would be up this week to take care of it. It's already Thursday afternoon and no sign of the maintainance guy.

Now on to the baby...

Breastfeeding is still going very very well. I'm not really enjoying it because it puts us both to sleep. Many times I've picked Angelina up for a feeding only to wake up 30 minutes later to one very full baby! I think I could drink 2 pots of coffee and still fall asleep during a feeding. I'd probably give it up if there weren't so many benefits to it. Aside from the fact that it's really good for baby, I don't want to think about how much money we're saving by not buying formula. And then there's the perk of dirty diapers and spit up not being quite as foul as those of most formula fed babies.

I wish bottle feeding was going as well. Every other day or so I have to pump, feeling way too full not to. I see this as an excellent opportunity for Angelina to learn to take her meal from Chris. Sounds like a great plan until I realized that I have one backwards baby. I've read that generally, breastfed babies will not take a bottle from mommy since the boob is right there and that mommy should leave the room when someone else is going to attempt a feeding. However, what we're experiencing goes against all of that. Angel will take a bottle from me with no problems whatsoever. Bottle, breast... it's all the same to her as long as it's coming from me. If Chris goes to give her a bottle though, assuming that she'll take it, Angel will drink half an ounce tops. I could offer her that same bottle immediately after and she'll drink 3 ounces (once she drank 5!!). Yesterday when Chris tried to give her a bottle, she was obviously hungry but would not take it. After a few minutes of trying, I had to take the bottle and offer it to her myself while Chris held her. Angelina accepted the bottle and after a few seconds I handed it off to Chris and she continued feeding. Seems rather strange to me!

Yesterday's bath was an adventure. I had just finished giving Angelina her bath and as soon as I picked her up in the towel, she pooped. Not just a small poop either. So I asked Chris to grab me a clean towel. I set Angelina back on her bath "sling" and rewashed her butt. I wrapped her in the clean towel, picked her up and she pooped again! This time was even worse. I got her cleaned up again and had Chris bring me a diaper and her robe this time. Crazy baby :). I had to do laundry yesterday just because she pooped on her last two clean towels. Hopefully her cord will fall off soon and bathtime won't be nearly as traumatic for her.

I think I might be getting an infection... uhg! My hospital discharge papers told me to call the doctor if my tempurature hits 100.4 or higher and it happened last night. Up until last night my temp had been anything between 98.2 and 100.1. My temp is usually a little on the low side so anything above 99.5 or so is what I consider a fever. And with that, yesterday evening I started noticing some mild internal pains. I do feel kinda silly calling the doctor about it because who usually cares if their tempurature is 100.5? But I called and left a messege, just waiting to hear back from them. I guess I should also consider the fact that I am still on one of my pain killers... the one that has a crap load of tylenol in it, so I imagine that is helping to keep my temp down. I had taken my medicine an hour before having a temp above 100.4 and my instructions for this med are to take it every 6 hours so I know it wasn't wearing off already. I'm hoping that if they want me to come in that it can wait until Monday.

"2 week" appointment and other updates

2006-01-10T20:56:00.000-06:00

Ok, so Angel is only 11 days old, but my pediatrician of choice is going on vacation so we had to schedule a little early.

Angel was born weighing 6lbs 12oz and was down to 6lbs 5oz when we left the hospital. Today she was up to 6lbs 15oz. She also gained 2 inches in length bringing her to 20 inches. Way to grow lil one!

She slept all the way to the doctor and even slept through me undressing her at the office, but I think she heard the nurse coming with the armpit thermometer lol. She hates those things and promptly started screaming her lil lungs out. Oh boy, can't wait til shots next appointment!! In her usual brat-like fashion, Angel peed all over the scale. Teach that nurse to have me take her diaper off lol! We had quite a few admirers as we walked through the hall on the way to and back from the scale. My little cutie pie :).

I must admit I haven't been handling motherhood the best the last few days. I've been getting 2 hours of sleep or less each night since we came home from the hospital because Angel sleeps all day and is awake all night. Throw in the fact that it's really hard for me to sleep during daylight hours and you have one burnt out mommy! Thankfully it didn't really hit me until Sunday. I'm very greatful, today DH finally noticed how hard the sleep situation was on me and he gave up some of his sleep time to make dinner and let me take a nap. It was only an hour long nap, but I feel so much better! I was feeling super guilty because I wasn't able to enjoy my time with my daughter nearly as much as I should, but now I'm ready to tackle tonight with lots of hugs and a happy heart (and a pot of coffee).

If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can get Angel to spend more time awake during the day, I'll gladly take them!! Mom and I tried everything we could think of, but it seems impossible to annoy her enough to wake her and she's starting to sleep through diaper changes. The only guarunteed way to wake Angel is a bath. She hates baths right now, probably because it has to be a sponge bath, but once it's over she'll go right back to sleep. A few nights I tried doing tummy time right around the time I would have normally considered my bedtime. That wore her out for about half an hour. Not nearly enough lol. I know that it's to be expected that I lose sleep, that babies do wake during the night, but we can't even get her to wake for visitors. It would be really nice to be able to spend time with Angel when I'm most awake, instead I get to hold and pay most of my attention to a soundly sleeping babe. Too many times I've fallen asleep during feedings in the middle of the night and I'd much rather be awake to enjoy the closeness (she feeds a LOT more during the night... every 30-45 minutes as opposed to every 3-4hours during the day time).

Speaking of tummy time, Angel does the cutest thing. She actually started doing this at 4 days old. She'll kick her legs out, but her little feet slide on the blanket. So what I do is simple put my hand down and let her use me as a kicking board. I don't push or anything. With me doing this, she can scoot on her belly about 3-4 feet before she gets too tired. Strong legs!!!

Anyway... I think I'm healing alright from the c-section. I'm still on the full dose of pain meds because I just can't slow down. If I were having some kind of problem, I'd definately be taking it easy, but since it's just normal pain, I'm not limiting myself nearly as much as I should. I just can't help it. That and we've had a few visitors lately so I'm trying to keep the living room and kitchen as clean as possible. I'm not getting much help from Chris with that because he's been working wya too much lately. Considering the little time he's getting at home while awake, I'd much prefer him spend that time bonding with Angelina than housework. That bonding is very important to me. Besides, who can resist watching a big strong manly man cradling a tiny little baby and speaking baby talk??? It just melts my heart.

No new pictures to post. I do have a ton of them but they were mostly taken the same day as the ones I posted before. I want to get a few new ones tomorrow, hopefully I can catch her awake and alert!

Pictures

2006-01-03T01:02:00.000-06:00

I figured I'd start with the belly pic. This was taken Thursday, the day I went into the hospital. Definately not the best picture of me lol, I was getting impatient with Chris and was smirking at him.

And here's a few of Angelina, taken today (3 days old)

I'll be sure to post more as I get them. I am sure I'll have quite a few before this week is out as my mom has decided to take a few days off work to help me out (Thank goodness!).

Angelina is here!!

2006-01-02T00:54:00.000-06:00

Things didn't go quite as planned, but she arrived safe and healthy on 12/30 at 11:56 am (yeah, you read that right... AM).

I went in for my ripening agent Thursday night, but the doc had a long night the previous night so I was stuck waiting for him until 10:45 pm. 30 minutes later, my water broke. The doctors don't think that had anything to do with the medication. Still no headway in the dilation department and Peanut didn't handle this well at all. Before I had a chance to flinch, they had my IV in and an oxygen mask on me.

That was enough to calm her down and no more excitement for the night.
Friday morning they started my Pitocin as planned. 5 minutes and one bathroom trip later, I'm back on the oxygen and someone is saying something about a c-section. (yeah, freak out the preggo, that'll help the baby)

They stopped the pitocin and peanut calmed down so they gave me my sugar-coated options.

The doc said that he and the other doc were going to go do a c-section for the woman next door who had been pushing for 2 hours. When he came back, he'd try the pitocin one more time, but if Peanut freaked out about it again, they'd like to do a section.

I asked DH what he thought that was supposed to mean and we agreed that when doctors put things like that, they already have their minds made up.
I was still contracting a little on my own and Peanut wasn't handling that well. So similar to the night before, I had a catheter in and the oxygen was back on before I had time to flinch. The nurse told me that Peanut had made up her mind for us, I was definately getting a section. They described what Peanut had been doing as "holding her breath" ... for 3 minutes.

Before the doctors could even be notified, the anestesiologist was called and the nurse shaved me (I'll do it next time, thanks).

Of course the doctor sugar-coated things again saying that I could try the pitocin again but that he'd really like to do a section, especially since I hadn't dilated any more. I was too sick with worry about the baby so they prepped the OR for me with no further discussion about a natural delivery.

They got me into the OR and the anestesiologist prepared the meds for a spinal. Peanut freaked out again and had the drug guy not had everything ready to go, they were going to knock me out.

Surgery went fine and as soon as they got Peanut out, they discovered the culprit: the cord was wrapped around her neck twice.

Angelina came into this world completely pissed off (the doctor's words) at 11:56 am, Friday, December 30th, 2005 weighting 6lbs 12 oz and 18 inches long. Her APGARs were perfect and she is such a doll! Very well behaved too I might add.

She's been feeding like a champ, I have tear-inducing blisters already lol! And per my request I was released from the hospital in record time. The nurses told me that only one other time or two have they seen a section patient released after 2 nights.

Unplugged

2005-12-28T00:04:00.000-06:00

Yep, definately lost my mucus plug today but I've only been upgraded to "1-2cm dilated" instead of "barely 1cm".

So anyways, I had an appointment with the OB today and after about 20 minutes of going back and forth (thanks DH lol), we decided that I will be going in Thursday evening to hopefully get my cervix nice and ripe followed by an induction on Friday morning!

It took so long to figure out the day because DH wants to avoid my giving birth Saturday night while he's supposed to be at work (because there is absolutely no way possible he can get out of work for any reason that night) and he also wants to avoid Peanut coming home on Saturday because he desperately wants to be home that first night. DH actually tried to talk the doc into inducing me today which is really strange because he never speaks up when I drag him to an appointment lol! The doctor didn't think today or tomorrow would be a good idea, he feels that my body probably isn't ready considering the failed attempt on Saturday. Of course we'll both be happy no matter when she's born, but if we're going to plan the event, might as well make it convienient, right? lol So the doc was willing to put me down for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday despite the holiday because he's on call all 3 days anyway. I'd prefer not to be high maintainance on a holiday though because I know how busy that hospital can get and I don't want to suffer for attention when I need it most.

That means I'll be hoping and praying that either I go into labor on my own beforehand or that the induction works right away. But I'm not getting my hopes up for that. I never knew an induction could fail until this past weekend and then my mom told me about a non-blood related aunt who had gone in to be induced, sent home after 8 hours, same thing the next day, went back the day after than and finally had her baby. But I don't know if that baby was born vaginally or via c-section. So potentially, that could have been 3 failed inductions... yuck! It's amazing she had a vein left for the IV by the 3rd time.

Which brings me to another point. Never EVER look at the IV needle when they're about to put it in! I've been in the habit of watching needles when they poke me lately. Since I've become so comfortable with being poked, I've found it helps me relax if I watch because then I know the exact moment it's going to sting.. no surprise. Nurse picked up that needle and all I could do was pull my hand away and about faint. Could not watch for the life of me lol. So if you're ever tempted, just don't do it!!!!!!!

I'll try to get one more update in before I go to the hospital, but if I don't my next entry should be a birth story :D.

12/23 Ultrasound and another hospital trip

2005-12-24T20:58:00.000-06:00

The ultrasound went well. Peanut is out of room for sure lol! She's measuring 7lbs 5oz (a tad big) and everything else looks great. Amniotic fluid is still on the high side of normal and she's still as feisty as ever.

And on to the hospital trip.

I was doing some minor cleaning to prepare for last night's holiday dinner (for which DH did most of the work) when I started not feeling quite right. It felt just like a low blood sugar, but I didn't feel like checking since it wasn't too bad so I sat down for a minute to munch on something. Chips and salsa, bad idea. After about 15 minutes of munching, I felt a small gush. Now this isn't unusual for me, but I always check right away just in case. Usually it's just a bit of cm that was in a hurry to get out, but this time it was blood. I had read enough info on the topic to realize that this most likely wasn't your typical "bloody show", there was just too much of it.

Of course that scared the crap out of me. If only you could have heard me talking to the after-hours operator at the doctor's office. I'm surprised that poor woman understood a word I said.

Sure enough, the doc wanted me to head up to labor and delivery again. I was so upset about this because I just knew in my gut that this was going to turn out to be nothing and that I would have ruined Chris's dinner plans. Well, it did turn out to be nothing, but since they were keeping me no matter what and the nurse was able to assure me that Chris wouldn't miss anything if he left, I kicked his butt out so that he could have the dinner he was planning for his family. That made me feel so much better! If he had been stuck there with me while nothing important was happening, all I would have been able to do was lie there and mope about it. And I know he would have never mentioned a word about being disappointed over missing this dinner, me and the baby are too important to him, but with his brother being sent back to Iraq in a couple of months, I just couldn't let Chris stay unless this baby was coming.

The nurses didn't want to check me for dilation or anything because of the bleeding, so I had to wait for the doctor to get there. When he checked me, I was still 1cm dilated (no progress there), but I was 60-70% effaced. Whoa! When I had been checked just the day before, I was barely effaced at all! So the doctor decided that the bleeding was most likely due to capallaries breaking when the effacement happened, but my butt was stuck in the hospital overnight just in case.

This whole time I was having painless contractions, spaced about 5 minutes apart (my mom was there and obsessing over the monitor lol!).

I sent mom home so she didn't feel the need to sit there with me while I slept and I went to sleep. Nothing better to do since I was bed-bound. They weren't letting me get up for anything besides going to the bathroom because of the bleeding.

Chris came back around 1:30am and I made him tell me all about dinner. Apparently it went very well! My older nephew was soooo happy that Santa came to visit him (yes, we hired Santa and Mrs. Claus lol). Food was good, and my kitchen is a disaster of dirty dishes and wrapping paper. I'm not bummed about missing the dinner, just a little bummed that no one took pictures!

Around 10 this morning they tried to induce me. I was started on Pitocin and after an hour I was really feeling the contractions! The doctor wanted this monitored extra carefully to be sure that my bleeding had only been the capillaries and not a placenta issue. Around 1pm I inquired about an epidural because the contractions became so painful. The nurse was about to call the anesthesiologist when I decided maybe it might be better if I rolled onto my side. Sure enough, I rolled over (which was actually a 5 minute task lol) and the pain was gone! The contractions continued, but I felt so much better that I fell asleep for over an hour. I must remember that hehe.

The doc came in to check my progress a couple of times and by 3pm my only progress was more effacement, 80% now. Still only 1cm dilated!!! All those contractions and nothing! As a last resort, he was going to break my water in the hopes that it would really get things rolling. He couldn't do it. I wasn't dilated enough for the tool and he wasn't able to do it through pressure. Uhg.

So I was given my options. I could continue on the Pitocin, I could stop the Pitocin but stay in the hospital and try again in the morning, or I could go home. The doc was not about to advise me one way or another but something in the way he was talking made me feel that going with one of the first two might up my chances of needing a c-section, so I looked at my mom and she seemed to be thinking what I was thinking. I went home.

Sooo disappointing. It seemed like I was really going to be meeting my baby today!

I guess I have a lot to discuss with my doctor on Tuesday (different doctor, there's two in the practice). If induction failed today, I don't think he's going to want to try again as early as I was hoping for. That and Chris and I both have a gut feeling that this is going to end in a c-section. This is just our opinion, it's not because of anything the doctor said. I'm afraid of that happening because I'm just not very educated in the world of c-section so hopefully this baby will hold out until I can fully discuss this possibility with my doctor to ease my fears.

Oh and to be clear, the bleeding did stop long before they released me. Actually, it stopped last night except for "old blood". I am to return to L&D asap if I start up with any more "new blood".

And I am officially on maternity leave now. Doc wants me taking it easy and when I specifically asked about work, he said no. Even though I was only working half days. I'm sure my co-workers will be so relieved, they were looking at me as if I was a ticking time bomb all last week lol! I hope this baby comes soon! I didn't want to be taking any real time off until she arrived, I'd like to be home with her as long as possible.

Today's appointment 12/22

2005-12-22T17:06:00.000-06:00

Peanut was a real brat!! She kicked and punched and all that good painful stuff the entire time I was in the waiting room. Nurse hooks me up for the NST, bam, Peanut is out like a light. For the first time they had to whip out the vibrator and wake her up. That worked for all of two seconds. Just long enough for her to run away from that awful thing. A few minutes later, Peanut did wake up with a vengeance for maybe a minute. Nurse didn't think the doc would accept that for being the only real movement so I got stuck on the machine even longer. But sure enough, as soon as they took me off it and I sat up, baby was up for the long haul lol! What a BRAT! :) (umm, daddy's girl....)

So anyways NST was fine, still only dialated 1cm. I go in for an u/s tomorrow and then back to the doctor on Tuesday to pick out a potential birthday for my lil nut.

For all you people who think I'm going late, my doctor will not let me go past my due date (unless of course I choose to, which ain't gonna happen). He has something against letting patients on insulin go overdue. I think it might be something more than the risk of GD babies being too big, but I'm not sure. We're talking induction for the end of next week unless Peanut decides to make her appearance earlier.

Fun times in L&D

2005-12-18T17:15:00.000-06:00

I guess we had a bit of a false alarm this morning which landed me in l&d for almost 9 hours. Sure as heck didn't feel like a false alarm when I couldn't get my butt off the floor thanks to painful contractions less than 2 minutes apart at 3am.

I stuck it out for 30 minutes before calling DH. I simply told him I wasn't sure what was going on but that maybe it would be a good idea to not get too involved in anything just in case. He calls me back 5 minutes later and he's halfway home lol. 10 minute drive if driving fast so ya know he was out the door by the time he hung up when i called him. I figured... good, he can help me time these contractions because I can't do it. He wanted nothing to do with that as he called my doctor right away and dragged my butt out the door lol. Yep, he's a first time dad all right.

I did consult my pregnancy book before calling DH to see if that could tell me for sure one way or the other. Everything told me "YES! You're in labor!", but I just wasn't convinced (despite the blinding pain). Must have been mother's intuition?

I had to keep yelling at DH all the way to the hospital though. He insisted on doing 70 down this tiny highway. Sure i was in pain, but getting to the hospital faster was not going to help that situation. And then 60 in a 40 once we hit the section of road that goes past the stores and schools.

I hadn't dialated any more since last Monday when they first checked me, but I gained a whopping 1/2 a cm while I was there haha. Ooo, so now I'm a full centimeter (give me a break). If it weren't for that 1/2 a cm they would have let me out much sooner.

They had to give me my insulin and feed me while i was there. Never ordering the bacon there again, YUCK! And next time I will be bringing my own insulin. I could hear the nurses talking in the hallway and they weren't sure how to mix it. Contractions or not, I could have gotten my insulin an hour sooner had I done it myself. I didn't get it until two and a half hours after I usually take it which is a no-no according to the diabetes center. And they brought my food when they gave me the shot even though I told them I wasn't supposed to eat until 30 minutes after.

So end of story, while I still need to pack my hospital bag, I do finally have my pre-registration form turned in! lol And we got our Christmas shopping done after they let me out .

Oh and I almost forgot. The nurse on duty when I left had the nerve to tell me not to rush in so early next time. WTF? Okay, for one, i didn't have a choice, DH made me go. And for two, she was not there too see how much pain I was in when i got there. OMG!

And another thing I forgot lmao...When my doctor finally showed up (this was around the beginning of the 8th hour), without provocation, he said they would not be inducing me today (I seriously wasn't even thinking of it!) because while GD babies tend to be larger, they tend to have more breathing problems. Is this to say that had I not had GD they would have considered inducing instead of sending me home???? (not that I'd have a problem with that).

Still nothing

2005-12-16T05:54:00.000-06:00

Figured I'd better post before someone thought I went into labor lol. Still having false labor stuff, but at least now I think we may have fixed my blood sugar problem!

After a big adjustment to my insulin last night, I didn't have any lows during the night and I didn't have any highs either! Woohoo!

And I got a pretty decent night's sleep too, I only woke up twice :).

Uhg

2005-12-14T03:16:00.000-06:00

I need sleep!!!

It's bad enough that I had to leave work after 2 and a half hours yesterday on account of no sleep, but I think tonight is worse!!! I'm still having a bit of the false labor, though I think it's a little better, but now I'm dealing with low blood sugar again. When I saw the OB on Monday, I begged and pleaded until he cut back my evening intermediate insulin from 6 to 4 so thought my middle of the night blood sugars would be fine from then on. WTF? We didn't change either dose of the short acting insulin since my meal time readings have been great, it's just the short acting one that's been giving me a problem. If my morning dose of intermediate gives me problems, it's really no big deal because then I'm awake, I know it's happening, and I can treat it right away and get on with my day. But this overnight thing scares me. At least I wake up in time to treat it, but OMG I would rather be sleeping!

On an interesting note, I had a pg dream tonight. I dreamt that I went to work and ended up leaving because I went into real labor. I know the dream was about tomorrow because we're having our Christmas lunch tomorrow and part of my dream was that I forgot to bring my appetizer. Can you tell I have labor on the brain? lol

37 week appointment and other stuff

2005-12-13T12:25:00.000-06:00

As of yesterday, I am 1/2 cm dialated and just a tad effaced. Peanut did well on her NST again. I finally got the doctor's interpretation of my last u/s. He said that as of 35wks Peanut was in the 71st percentile. A bit a research tells me that this is not huge, but it's enough to give me nightmares about a 13 pound baby lol!

I had a ton of BH contractions last night.. and I mean a TON! It started somewhere between 6 and 7 pm last night, averaging about 1 every 10 minutes (but no consistant timing) and didn't really subside until about 5am this morning. I don't know quite how frequent they were during the night, but I was awakened by them several times. Also had a tiny bit of cramping and cervical pain during this time too, but not enough to get me to call the doctor.

I think all that kinda worried DH. It was his night off and he had plans that potentially involved drinking. He doesn't go out drinking often (well, since I stopped being able to go to the bar anyways lol) so he has a habit of overdoing it when he does go out. I think he had 2 beers despite pressure from friends to drink more (I guess it was supposed to be some kind of male version of a baby shower???). It was at a friend's house so he could have just crashed there if he drank too much, but he was worried I might go into labor.

I think I mentioned that everyone seems to think I won't make it past Christmas. After telling a friend about last night, she says she doesn't see me making it to my next appointment lol! I guess only time will tell!

Ooops!

2005-12-09T20:48:00.000-06:00

I've had so much on my mind, I completely forgot to update my blog!

We haven't made much more headway with moving. Unpacking is even worse since I have to do most of it (it's my junk and DH has no clue what to do with it). We finally got internet yesterday, went from dial-up to cable, very nice!

Since we moved in, DH bought me a new bedroom set and a nice computer chair. We were using a folding chair before, so this really is nice. We also got new end tables and a coffee table.

We went on our vacation and I was definately ready to come home halfway through it. I had no intention of being down in Kentucky for 9 days, but DH wanted to be gone that long so that's what we did. We stayed in a hotel for the first few days before his aunt laid a big enough guilt trip on him that we ended up staying with her. That was the rough part for me because while I do like the family he has there, I can't handle such large doses... especially when deprived of the little bit of coffee I'm allowed!

Peanut seems to be doing well. I had an u/s the Wednesday after we got back and the tech managed to catch her wiggling her toes! Her estimated weight at 35 weeks was 5lbs 9 oz putting her in the 60th percentile. Just a tad bigger than normal :).

I am on insulin now and things seem totally out of control with it. I take two shots a day and I started having problems with my blood sugar getting too low so some adjustments were made yesterday and that made things worse! I woke up at midnight to a glucose level of 37 and it should have been no lower than 70 at that point in time. That was the worst of the readings, but I've had quite a few bad ones over the last few days so hopefully there will be more adjustments come Monday when I see the OB again.

I get to have a non-stress test (NST) every week now. Those are only interesting for the first 10 minutes or so unless I have a contraction. I love hearing the baby's heartbeat, but 30-45 minutes of the same sound over and over again, no matter how beautiful, gets a tad boring. The first NST went perfectly, heartbeat was right where it should be and no contractions. The second was good too, but I managed to have 3 contractions while on the monitor. Nothing to be concerned about I guess since I'm not at all dialated.

Speaking of dialation, why on earth didn't anyone tell my that being checked for dialation was soooo unpleasent? I figured the doc would whip out the speculum and look, not stick his arm up there and feel! Okay, so it was only two fingers, but it might as well have been a baseball bat. Not looking forward to having that checked again! I'll take a wild guess and say it's even worse when there is dialation.

I've had 3 baby showers! One was a surprise thrown by some friends of ours. That one was fun until it was time to drive home. DH and I drove seperately since he had to leave early to go to work. So that left me to drive home in the first real snow of the season and I was 30 minutes from home. Not to mention that I needed to drive past home another 20 minutes and do some grocery shopping. Of course those times are how long it takes without the snow. The second shower was the next day. My mom threw that one. It was fun as well. The last one was Wednesday and only lasted about 20 minutes lol! My co-workers surprised me with some yummy food and a rather nice gift. As a bonus, I got to eat extra yummy food because my blood sugar was yet again too low. That's the only plus side to my GD being out of control, extra food when I get too low. Sure, it isn't worth it, but I have no control over it so I might as well enjoy the one perk.

A little over 3 weeks til my due date. No one at work thinks I'm going to make it that long, my belly is HUGE. I'm tiny, but I have this belly that enters a room about a minute before I do.

Our big move

2005-11-13T16:03:00.000-06:00

We're about halfway done moving :). It's slow going because of DH's work schedule. The only day he can really put full effort into moving stuff is on Tuesdays because Monday night is his night off, but it's going a little better than I expected.

My diet is improving but I'm having issues with eating enough! I'm getting full too fast at meal time so I think I'm going to call the dietician tomorrow to figure out what food types are the priority and then go from there. It's hard to get the right amount of carbs while avoiding the "no no" foods. If I could eat the bad foods I wouldn't have any problems lol, but I've already had 3 bad glucose readings and they told me to call if I see 5 before Thursday. I'm expecting a 4th bad reading tonight after dinner, that just seems to be the way it's going no matter how healthy the food is.

My old bedroom is still a disaster, so i don't know why I'm on here instead of tackling some of it lol! I really don't want anyone besides DH and I in here until I have it a little more clean, but both grandma and mom were in here today and I internally freaked out as I still have some rather personal items lying around. EEK!

Adjusting

2005-11-10T05:43:00.000-06:00

The meal plan I got from my dietician isn't all that evil. It will be very easy to follow once I can get some grocery shopping done, I just have not had the time yet so for now, it's a little bit of a struggle. Looking forward to diving into a big bowl of low carb ice cream though haha!

For now, my plan is to follow this diet to a T for the next week, pricking my finger 4 times a day. Then next Thursday I see the dietician again to see if any adjustments need to be made and whether or not I need to be on insulin.

The worst thing to adjust to for me though is that i can't eat anything for two hours after I finish a meal. I'm the type of person who really likes to "graze". It works out really well at work because i don't have time to sit down and eat a snack so I take a bite of my snack, walk off to do some work, come back and take another bite... ect. That's generally how I do breakfast as well since i don't really get hungry until 7 or 8. But now I have to eat before work, wait two hours, check my glucose, then I can snack until lunchtime. Unfortunately, eating my breakfast all at one time leaves me hungry again in half an hour, but I couldn't possibly eat any more for breakfast or I'd be too full.

My OB appointment went well. Peanut sounded great as usual and I got my doctor's blessings to go on vacation. I'll be gone the 18th through the 28th :). We touched on labor a tiny bit. As in what GD means for me and labor. Basically, the worse my GD is, the sooner they'll induce me if I go past my due date. I was almost hoping they'd mention inducing me a tad early or something lol, but no such luck and I'm not about to ask for that to happen.

Hopefully, DH and i start moving to our new apartment today. I'm REALLY looking forward to being out of here, but our move in date keeps getting pushed back. We're supposed to sign the lease today, so hopefully that means no more delays.

Results!

2005-11-07T19:41:00.000-06:00

I did terribly! I officially have gestational diabetes. Yuck! I must have seriously thought I'd pass this test because I didn't give a single thought to what I would eat if I failed and lets suffice it to say I'm in need of some MAJOR diet changes and one huge grocery shopping trip.

I've read up on GD a bit and what I read before didn't sound scary at all. Of course, that all changed when i started trying to look up some meal planning suggestions. So many risks I had no idea about! I am doing my best not to stress over the possibilities, but this new found info was enough to make me realize that I need to clean up my dietary act NOW!

I have an appointment with a dietician on Wednesday before my OB appointment. So I guess I'll have some major updating to do come Thursday. I wonder how this will affect my maternity leave plans because from what I'm reading this whole GD thing means extra monitoring which will most likely translate into extra time off.

Finally went for my 3hr GTT

2005-11-04T06:03:00.000-06:00

And OMG was that booooorrrriiiinnnggg! I left the house in a hurry so I managed to forget to bring any form of entertainment with me. But other than that, it really wasn't so bad.

I didn't mind the drink, even though it was warm. My vein rolled for the first time ever. It didn't really hurt, but I'm a sicko and I actually watch them draw my blood. Completely disturbing, watching that huge needle chasing my poor little vein around. Appearently this lab doesn't use butterfly needles, not even on children! No wonder this one little girl that came in while I was waiting was screaming bloody murder while she was back there. I know kids don't like having blood drawn, but her screaming was over the top. Later one of the ladies who worked there mentioned to me that even the "kiddie" needles are huge. Poor kiddos!

They told me that my doctor would have the results in a couple of days. I thought it would be faster since I had the blood draw at the lab, but I guess not. I'll call today anyways to find out, but I'm guessing they won't have my results back until Monday or Tuesday.

I'm not stressing about how the results come back, I know I'll be well taken care of if it doesn't look good, but I hate waiting! Never been big on patience lol.

A small bonus

2005-11-02T17:45:00.000-06:00

My grandma is finally starting to be supportive of us moving! DH and I have been talking about it since we announced our pregnancy, saying that we would definately be moving out of grandma's house before the baby arrived. Well all this time it's felt like she was trying to talk us out of it. Mostly money scare tactics. And for awhile it really worked on me, had me trying desperately to convince Chris that we really should just stay put. But his logic prevailed (for a man, he really had some VERY good logic lol).

It's not like we've never been out on our own, having to deal with insane rent and skyrocketting heating bills in the winter. We've been there, just not for a very long time. Moving in with grandma was not because of financial immaturity (although yes, we could have done better), it was the only solution to some rather unfortunate financial events. Being married for less than a year at the time, we just didn't have the savings to stay afloat.

So I do believe that grandma finally realized that we can survive on our own :).

We're finally moving!

2005-11-02T03:24:00.000-06:00

In less than a week! DH and I will be renting a 2 bed/ 2 bath apartment. Nice sized rooms, vaulted cielings, full sized washer and dryer in the apartment. We just found out yesterday that we can move in on Monday. Time to get packing!!! Actually, I woke up so early this morning that not only did I have time to check my forums and make this post, but I've packed two bins haha. I could probably get 5 more packed, but Peanut said enough is enough so I'll take my bath now and go visit DH at work.

I *think* I finally have my blood test woes sorted out. I've already contacted the lab that I've been refered to this time and I'll be going in either tomorrow or Friday. I was going to push it off til Monday, but now that might not be such a good idea (because of moving). I'll spare the details, but as soon as I have this test done, I will be calling my insurance company to complain about this second lab. Yes, they were THAT bad just over the phone. I normally don't file complaints about such things, but I think it's about time I started. I've just been through way too much b.s. trying to get this test done.

Oh yeah, one downside to our new place, as far as I know, it's on the 3rd floor! Ok, so this could be good for me. I mean it gets me out of having to carry a single thing into the new place. But I've already had to set some ground rules for DH (since the one on the 3rd floor is the one he wanted oh so badly). Under no circumstances will I carry a baby and a stroller up and down those stairs. And I'll only carry the baby if absolutely necessary. That in itself shouldn't be a problem seeing as we'll only have one car. So if I have to take Peanut anywhere, DH should be home.

A tad peeved

2005-10-29T22:40:00.000-05:00

I did not get to have my 3hr GTT today as planned. I drove all the way to the lab (30 minutes to get to the proper street, and then tack on almost 20 minutes of driving up and down this tiny street because the building was not marked at all!) just to find out that not only was I supposed to fast for an entire 12 hours before hand, but that this lab no longer accepts my insurance!

The woman who had taken my call said that she used to ask people over the phone what insurance they, but she stopped because it's been awhile since the problem came up. They only stopped accepting my insurance 6 months ago. Still, the nurse at the OB's office should have known this! I'm trying my best not to be upset with her though, she's the only nurse there that knows how to be a nurse! So instead, I'm really trying to assume that maybe it's been that long since they've had t refer anyone for the 3hr GTT, which is feasable.

I was doing some online research and found that doctors generally either refer patients for a 3hr GTT is their level from the 1hr comes back at above 130 or above 140. Appearently, going with 130 means there are quite a few more false positives, but 90% of women who actually do have gestational diabetes are diagnosed properly using the 130 cutoff whereas only 80% of women who have it end up being diagnosed using the 140 cutoff. My OB uses the 140 cutoff. So fewer false positives means fewer patients being sent for the 3hr GTT, right?

Sorry, that was a really long explaination of my logic lol!

Thankfully, the woman at the lab was kind enough to tell me which lab in the area does accept my insurance, so i'll have that info on hand just in case the nurse doesn't know (although I'm sure the woman who usually answers the phone when i call will know, she seems to keep right on top of insurance matters).

I guess it's a good and bad thing that I have to wait until Monday to take care of this. My OB has no weekend hours, so it's not like I could call this morning while I was still really p.o'd and end up taking it out on the first person I talked to. But I really hate leaving this matter hanging until Monday. Knowing me, I'll end up getting caught up in something at work and forget to call until late in the day, by which time it'll probably be too late to call to set up the appointment with the lab. And with my luck, I'll need to take time off work this time. I'm sure they don't want me to wait until next Saturday to have this done, I was pushing it by waiting until today.

Gosh and I was peeved that I had to miss out on an overtime opportunity at work for this appointment today, imagine if I actually took time off of work and ended up being turned away! Someone would be hearing about it because I only have half a vacation day to use unless I want to shorten my planned vacation next month.

And yes, I am still going on vacation next month. I know it's insane to travel at 34/35 weeks along, but it's Thanksgiving and both DH and I really want to see his dad. We will be making what is normally a 6-8 hour drive and staying for 9-10 days. I will be taking all necessary precautions. The ones I know of are the need to stop often to stretch (no problemo there, my bladder will make a great timer lol) and then the need to take along a copy of my medical records just in case. I will talk to my doctor about it at my next visit to see what else he recommends.

I figure I'll want my blanket and a couple of good pillows to trade off between for the car ride. Especially because when DH starts to get a little tired from driving, he turns on th a/c to ensure he's alert lol! I hate that, so hopefully i can get him to let me do some of the driving. (we tried letting me drive last time we went to visit his dad, but the road construction that allowed for no place to pull over and the approaching tornado had me off the road at the first available exit!)

Let's see... Peanut update...

She's giving me some minor breathing problems the last day and a half. Just a couple of very brief episodes where it felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I assume that she's kicking at my diaphragm. No big deal there, just scared the heck out of me the first time it happened.

I'm pretty sure she's been head down for at least a week now. When she gets the hiccups I feel it very low, so I'm guessing that's about where her head is. Now if I could figure out exactly what body part she keeps trying to poke a hole through my side with, my curiosity would be satisfied! lol

Angelina has been very active, keeping mommy reassured. And I might add that she's rather well behaved lol! When the movements and kicking get uncomfortable, all I have to do to get her to change what she's doing is very gently rub the spot that's bothering me. Such a relief since my co-worker told me her horror story of how when she was preggo the baby kept sticking a foot or something very painfully in her ribs and the only relief she found was when someone stuck an ice cold can of soda on her side, made the baby shoot to the other side very quickly!

Think I've turned this entry into a long enough novel lol. I hope everyone is doing well, and for those of you that are reading but haven't been updating your blogs or forums, please feel free to throw an update into my comments, I'd love to hear how you're doing! I really miss all you gals who I haven't been able to keep up on lately.

And Amanda, I'm guessing you didn't see my reply to your comment about you having a new blog, I need the address for it! If you'd rather not post it publically, you can email it to me at dmcd82@sbcglobal.net.

A little more news

2005-10-25T05:26:00.000-05:00

Now that I have a few more minutes. Official yesterday, I have recieved a promotion at work. My job is not changing in the slightest, it's just permenant now with more money.

I think it's hard to explain my job situation over the last few months to anyone who does not work in manufacturing, but I'll try my best to give a recap.

I was working in direct labor, builing parts pretty much like a mindless drone. I hated it, but I had taken the job for the insurance. My mom worked an office job at this company, so when she quit back in January, I immediately applied for an internal transfer. Her old job looked very appealing to me, more pay, a more varied workload, no mandatory overtime.

I imagine that all companies like to find ways to make themselves more efficient and cut costs, the company i work for is no different. As soon as they made an internal posting for my mom's old job, they began looking for ways to eliminate the position instead of filling it. Also, they struck out on a new campaign to totally redo the set-up of production to make things flow more smoothly and faster without compromising quality.

I was hand selected to be a part of that campaign. I was involved in a week long rapid improvement project that supposedly made it so that the department I worked in would no longer be needing 2 of it's employees. Those two employees were to be "redeployed" to another part of the plant where they were needed. This was all around good. It offered 2 employees a chance for change, it kept the company from having to hire new people for other areas, and believe it or not, it actually did promote job security.

Again, I was hand selected and asked if I wanted to be redeployed. I couldn't say yes fast enough. I was transfered to the department that is in charge of making these improvements. I participated in one more event and then I was asked to work part of my days in the lab to help with a project. That was the end of February and the project was to be completed in the beginning of June.

Due to limited resources (people with the knowledge required to complete this project just not having sufficient time), the project end date kept getting pushed back. They were now telling me August. I was happy, I liked the lab. Then I was asked to be in the lab full time to help with this project. Even better! The last end date they gave me was for some time in October. I haven't heard an updated date since and it's now almost Novemeber.

My supervisor in the lab knew I wanted to be in there permenantly, so he was slowly trying to convince his boss that I was necessary, but he knew he had time.

A couple of weeks ago, my boss in the lab put in his 2 week notice so i knew it was time for me to start pushing the issue. He was really the only one in management who knew I was needed in there, so I needed him if I were to ever become permenant. The day i talked to him, he immediately went to his boss to discuss the issue. His boss asked him to gather a bit of data that would prove that my being in the lab was beneficial (ie the logs of workload vs how long orders were in the lab before I started and then since i started working in there). He got that done right away and his boss went to discuss the issue with those who make such desicions.

And now I'm permenant :) Just in time for maternity leave really!

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Speaking of maternity leave, I've decided what I'm doing! because of the FMLA time I used for RE appointments, I have a little over 10 weeks time off available to me (instead of the 12 I would have under FMLA had I not already used time this year). I am taking all of that time. I have decided that I will work reduced hours for 2 weeks before my due date (or up until i deliver) and then the rest of the time afterwards. It'll be hard financially but DH promised we'd make it work out.

My company doesn't provide any real "maternity leave", what they do provide is 6 week disability pay (60% of my normal salary) if I have a natural birth, 8 weeks if it's a c-section (subject to change if my doctor deems it medically necessary for me to have additional time off). The rest of my time would be completely unpaid. In addition to that, when I return to work, my pay will be docked for whatever amount I owe for benefits. I have nearly $40/wk taken out of my paycheck for insurance, so if I'm not recieving a paycheck, they can't take that money and it becomes money i owe unless I cancel my insurance. Obviously, i won't be cancelling lol!

So, this raise I'm getting couldn't have come at a better time!

________________________________________________

Hypothetically speaking, becuase chances are always unlikely that a baby will come on his or her "due date", I have 8 weeks left until I reduce my hours at work and 10 more until I'm off on real maternity leave. I am very excited! I know it won't be nearly enough time off, but I'm glad that DH decided that we will make it work so that i can take the full time alloted to me instead of just what is medically necessary. If Peanut comes on her actual due date, I will still be eligible for holiday pay! If Peanut comes early, even better, I get the time off around new years completely off. Win/win situation lol.

While I think it would be awesome if she were born at the tail end of this year for tax reasons, I'll be soooo happy either way (after I'm through labor and childbirth anyways lol!).

Last checked, Angelina was measuring for a due date of January 2nd, so i guess we will see! Either she'll be born a tad earlier than expected or this is gonna be one big baby!

This will be quick..

2005-10-24T05:45:00.000-05:00

This past week at work has been super hectic and I haven't been sleeping well, so no time for a full length entry.

I failed my 1ht GTT and my iron is low. I'll be going for a 3hr GTT next Saturday.

The u/s went well, but I'll most likely be having at least one more. The placenta hasn't moved since my 21 wk u/s. It's still not in the way, just close. And Peanut is still a girl lol!

28 week appointment

2005-10-16T01:33:00.000-05:00

Because of a policy at the doctor's office, I saw a different doctor for this appointment (they insist that you see each doc at least once throughout your pregnancy since your doctor may not be on call when you go into labor).

I've seen him before for a gyn annual, so it wasn't like I was talking to a complete stranger. This doc took a minute to review my chart while he was in with me and when he got to the page reguarding my last ultrasoud, he got very mildly concerned. Appearently at that time, the placenta was "low lying". That means that it was NOT covering my cervix and has most likely moved far out of the way since, but it was enough to get him to order another ultrasound for me.

I'm pretty pleased with that. I love seeing a doctor who is more paranoid than I am, and since most likely nothing is wrong, it seems like it's just an excuse to let me have another peek at lb. I'm not at all concerned since my regular ob didn't even feel this tidbit of info important enough to mention (and I totally trust my regular ob). This will also give DH a chance to see the gender for himself. He missed out of the "big" ultrasound and he's still pretty p.o'd with himself about that.

I was hoping that I'd be able to have time to come home before this next ultrasound, but I had to schedule it for this coming Wednesday, which just happens to be my boss's last day. I figure since he's a great boss, it would be pretty darned rude of me to cut out early especially since the whole day will pretty much be a party for him. So I'll have to go to my appointment straight from work and hope that DH hears his phone when I call to wake him up. Although i doubt he'll be asleep after last time. That was why he missed the last u/s, he totally overslept and despite my calling every 3 minutes for half an hour, his phone didn't wake him (which is highly unusual, so he must have really needed the sleep).

Peanut has been really active lately :). I've been bragging a lot about how I can sleep through her movements, so of course the one day I had to wake extra early, she was kicking harder than ever and I didn't get any sleep. I really hate it when she is more active than normal because as soon as she goes back to her regular kicking, I worry. I'm getting used to the pattern though. It seems that every other week or so she'll have 2-3 days where she's barely moving followed by a few days of hyper kicks. Growth spurts I assume.

I got a great compliment yesterday. Someone told me that from behind they couldn't even tell i was pregnant. I'm impressed since I'm now almost 29 weeks (7 months). DH says my butt is getting bigger lol, but seeing as how I can't see my butt, I really don't care! Okay, so I'll care in about 3 months after Peanut is born and I try to fit myself back into my black skirt, but at this point in time, I'm not exactly trying to be a fashion model.

79 more days until my due date, but who's counting? ;) I'm getting terrified of labor/childbirth so I'm wishing it was time already so i could get it over with. So many things to scare me. I mean, you never really know your child is going to be born healthy until he or she is born. And then there's the pain, the possibility of having a bowel movement on the table (I could probably cross that off my list if it was only the medical staff in the room, but I know DH will be in there), recovering while caring for a little one... the list goes on. Thankfully I've avoided worrying about most of the emergencies that can happen. No idea how I've managed that since I'm a worrier by nature. I think the furthest I've let my mind go on that front is the possibility of a c-section. I know I won't hesitate to accept one if it becomes necessary and that I won't regret having one as long as it means the birth of a healthy child, I'm just afraid that a c-section now could impose a limit on the number of children I can have. I've heard plenty of stories about women having 5-9 successful c-sections, but I've also heard stories about women being limited to 2 or 3. Maybe one day I'll decide to have only 2 or 3 children, but I don't want that number imposed upon me.

No news is good news

2005-10-12T06:03:00.000-05:00

Not much happening on the baby front. I was down for a couple of days with a couple of infections, but everything was caught and treated long before it could have posed any risk to Peanut. Wasn't fun for me especially since one was a bladder infection and Peanut didn't care that her trampoline should have been off-limits for a few days lol.

I have an appointment today and I'll be doing my 1hr GTT. I don't expect those results for a few days though. It's really weird, when I was seeing the specialist test results were always a same day matter. Sure, blood draws and the like always had to be done before 11am, but the test results were back by 2. Now seeing a regular ob again, everything is "call in a couple days".

Peanut has been getting some frequent hiccups, poor kiddo. It's a fun feeling for me, I just hope she isn't too uncomfortable with them. I know I hate it when i get the hiccups!

Last Friday was our 5th wedding anniversary. We didn't really do anything (dinner and a movie at home), seems we both have something more important on our minds these days ;). I'm sure we'll make up for that next year since our anniversary is usually such a big deal for us.

Last Saturday we had a huge birthday party for my grandma. She turned 75 so we went all out! 60 people showed up, we had delicious catered food, and best of all, all 7 of my grandma's kids were able to make it! Quite an accomplishment since 1 lives out of country and two live out of state.

OB appointment and more on the Clomid nurse

2005-09-14T18:34:00.000-05:00

Good appointment. Doctor said that according to my u/s lb is measuring in the 51st percentile. I get to do my GTT at my next appointment (4 weeks), and unfortunately, no more ultrasounds unless something goes wrong.

I finally got my answer about which hospital I will be delivering at. I've mentioned this before, but I'll do this as a reminder. Same doctor, same insurance in all three cases here. March 2004, HSG: must go to hospital A for this or insurance won't cover it. May 2005, ultrasound: must go to hospital B to have this done, insurance will not cover it at doctor's office or hospital A. Sept 2005, birth: must go to hospital A for this, insurance will not cover it elsewhere unless it's an emergency. WTF? lol I have to delivery at hospital A, but I'm still not allowed to have my ultrasounds there? HELLLOOOO! I'm not going to complain because the hospital they're making me go to is my first choice of area hospitals to deliver at anyways, but this is the most bass ackwards thing I have ever heard.

Onto the Clomid nurse. Ever since my 1st ob appointment, the office scale has been off by three pounds, they told me this then and at my second appointment. The nurse always adjusts accordingly so that my real weight is put into my chart. Well last month's appointment, Clomid nurse did my weight. I specifically remember that the scale read 120 which means in reality my weight was 117. But do you think she wrote 117 in my chart? HA! So I was left to explain to the good nurse today that I did not gain 3 pounds since my last appointment, I gained 6 (WOOOHOOOOOOO!!! I was so worried that I hadn't gained). I just need to know: how is it that I can know full well that the scale is off when a person who works there every single day hasn't a clue? Oh and yes, i did confirm with today's nurse that the scale was indeed still 3 pounds off.

Mini update I suppose

2005-09-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

Not much happening on the baby front other than Peanut changing her schedule on me. Just anxiously awaiting my next appointment which will be on Tuesday. It's an evening appointment so I doubt I'll be updating on Tuesday, but that's normal for me anyways.

Taking a moment to advertise

2005-09-01T06:08:00.000-05:00

About two months ago a friend of mine created an awesome online community that offers all types of support. It's still rather new so many of the sections are slow except for the general chat area which has quite a few wonderful women.

It's a free forum on ezboard, a Gold community so donations are appreciated if you join and end up really liking the place. There are support areas for ttc, ttc with IF issues, pregnancy, children, loss (heavy emphasis on miscarriage type losses), breastfeeding, adoption, single parenthood, working moms, and PPD. The infertility section actually has no one posting, but there are several IF "Graduates" that regularly post in other areas of the forum that can offer a great deal of support.

If you're interested in taking a peek, here's the link . Please don't be throw off by the title, the forum was originally built as a smaller support system.

Uhg SICK!

2005-08-31T05:56:00.000-05:00

Not morning sickness, more like the flu! I don't know where it came from because the only person I know who was this sick recently wasn't contagious. She had more like a week long bout of food poisoning according to her doctor. Oh how I wish I had gotten a flu shot!

So I've ben sick like this since Saturday and yesterday I came home from work after two hours because I knew I was dehydrated. I suppose I really should call my doctor today. Hopefully this was the cause of my headaches (which seem to be gone!!!).

In other news... I finally found a pair of maternity pants that almost fit! Definately larger in the legs than I'd like, but I'm desperate as I had to retire yet another pair of pants. I think my co-workers would look at me funny if I wore the same pair of pants every day whether I washed them every night or not. And since I've been having a little trouble staying comfy in bed, I splurged on a nice oversized down pillow. It's so nice I had to use it on the way home from the store :).

So nothing significant to report really. I did get a little worried last night because Peanut wasn't moving near as much as normal, but with the way I was eating yesterday I think she might be having a growth spurt and perhaps resting up because of it???

It worked..

2005-08-30T05:15:00.000-05:00

word verification that is. Those spam comments were getting a tad annoying!

Not too much to report. Headaches are back and it's a few days until my next chiropractor appointment. I guess I should see if I can get in early. Been sick again, I guess there's just no escaping it :).

I think I might have actually brought on the start of the headaches myself. It didn't start up until I had been sitting at the computer for awhile working furiously on LBG's new website (which will be up later this week).

All seems to be well otherwise though. Still home hunting but we're including apartments in our search now. Hopefully we'll be able to make temporary arrangements since an apartment would be temporary. We're looking at a year in an apartment so that we an save up some cash and fix our credit enough to buy a decent home instead of renting some craphole house.

The BIG Ultrasound

2005-08-25T03:59:00.000-05:00

Everything is looking good :). Peanut's heat rate was at 141 beats per minute and the baby is measuring a few days behind. The ultrasound tech told me tha Peanut was measuring on par for a due date of January 8th, but I was a small baby so I'm going to stick with the 3rd for now. The appointment took a really long time, Peanut was so active it was hard to get the nessessary shots and even harder to tell the gender. I knew it would be difficult, especially when I woke up at 2:30 am yesterday to a baby bouncing on my bladder and it didn't stop all day! Peanut has never been THAT active!

Unfotunately, DH missed the appointment. Appearently he accidentally fell asleep 15 minutes before I called to make sure he was awake. He didn't even wake up when I got home and slammed the bedroom door shut... eek! But don't worry, he was too upset about missing the appointment for me to maim him ;).

But now DH is even more scared of having this baby because we found out that Peanut is a girl!!

I am very excited about this. I want an equal chance to raise boys and girls, but given my DH's family history, I was rather worried that I'd never have a girl. Everything I've read says that sex is determined by the man's sperm, and with the timing of the IUI a boy seemed more likely. But it would seem we're following MY family's history here. My mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother all had a girl as their first child.

A lot of people I know outside of the internet were with me betting on boy, I guess we were all wrong!

Good stuff and a little ranting

2005-08-18T18:30:00.000-05:00

First the good stuff of course, so you all can skip the ranting if you want :).

Yesterday's appointment went well. Peanut threw a few really hard kicks at the doppler too! DH is finally enjoying some frequent "kick time". The few moments we lie in bed togther before he has to run off to work, Peanut will kick up a storm for him. I love it!

I haven't gotten sick since 8/1 *kick on wood* but I think that was also the last time I took my vitamin as wll. I just now took it again so we'll see if my luck holds out. I'd feel a lot better about things if I could keep the vitamin down, so I'm really hoping I can finally take it regularly like I did before i got pregnant.

Our BIG ultrasound will be next Wednesday. Like I've mentioned before, we're really hoping to find out the sex. I only hope that Peanut feels like sharing. S/he's been moving around so much lately that I'm not sure we'll get co-operation.

On to the ranting!!!

I've been having a rather frustrating week. It started Monday morning, around 1 am. I'm totally embarrassed to admit this, but I had an "accident" in bed. YUCK! So I started out my day having to clean that up immediately. Got back to sleep, woke up a couple hours later and threw everything I had to into the wash. Took a shower (got p.o'ed at myself for starting laundry right beore getting into the shower, no water pressure), went to work feeling completely humiliated and soooo tired.

Tuesday morning, around 2am I woke with the worst leg cramps ever! So even more disturbed sleep. Just as I finished walking one cramp off, I got another that was 10 times worse, was about to get back in bed, then decided that I really needed to go to the bathroom. Yay. Drove to my doctors appointment after making several calls to DH to make sure he got up in time to meet me there. Got there just in time to get my appointment cancelled. 45 minute drive through horrid traffic for that? I was pissed at my luck! And frustrated that I had to make sure DH got up extra early to meet me there. I was the one who demanded he be there.

Wednesday: On Monday I approached my boss about an idea I had. He was impressed I think and told me to work on making this idea happen. So I did. I spent a lot of time and energy on Monday and Tuesday to work on this idea. I was very proud of myself when I got it to the point of only having to work out some minor bugs. But on Wednesday, I got totally shot down. One of my co-workers had some critisism that I totally expected and was prepared for, but if she could have gone about this any less tactfully, I don't know how.

I was across the room when I heard this co-worker griping to two others about the problems with my idea. She then called me over and rudely explained her issues in front of these two other people. She also told me that my idea was pointless because someone else was already working on it (a fact that my boss didn't even know?!?!). She couldn't have pulled me aside and explained her issues? She had to cut me down in front of other co-workers?? And her wording was horrid! She brought up her issues again in our department meeting this morning because my idea was on the agenda. The way she spoke in the meeting was totally acceptable, why couldn't she have used that tone with me Wednesday? She had me almost in tears yesterday, and I know it wasn't just me. I mentioned what this co-worker had done to a diferent co-worker today because he asked about it, and I guess this is not the first time she's acted like that. I like this woman normally, I just hope I never work on anything that requires her input ever again.

Thuis far, today has been an all around decent day. Work was slow, but I found a way to deal with that so i think I better go to sleep before anything bad has a chance to happen lol. Hopefully tomorrow ill be a good day, and then Saturday is my birthday! I love my birthday, I'm like a little kid about it. I'll be 23 so it's not a significant birthday, but I'm excited anyways :). Almost as excited as I was about being 20 weeks preggo this past Tuesday. Big milestone in my book!

Real post

2005-08-01T05:52:00.000-05:00

I'm still working off of a borrowed computer monitor here, hoping grandma doesn't want it back too soon :).

As of my last appointment, Peanut is doing just fine. Heartbeat was in the upper 140's and s/he even had the nerve to kick the doppler. That made it a little difficult to get to the heartbeat, but it was so cute to hear him/her move.

My next appointment will be mid August, at 20 weeks and then I will go in for an ultrasound at 22 weeks. We will hopefully be finding out the gender, which appearently makes us the oddity out of DH's friends. The two couples who just had babies waited until birth.

Which brings me to Anna. She was the friend that I had miscarriages in common with and she just gave birth to a healthy baby girl Saturday morning. Her poor DH sounded like he was still in shock that evening. Makes me curious as to what my DH will be like when the time comes.

My most complaint-worthy symptoms at the moment are lightheadedness and headaches. I know the headaches are quite normal and common, but I think I'll be making a call to the chiropractor this morning in hopes of alleviating that problem. I've been told over and over that Tylenol is safe, but I'd like to avoid that if possible. It's been a few weeks since I took any, but I might just break down and do it this morning since it's bad enough that I called in sick to work. As for the lightheadedness, I'll be calling the ob today. I figure it's not a good thing if it's hitting me when I'm driving, at work, or trying to walk downstairs.

I'm still having a little bit of morning sickness, about once a week it's hitting me, so that's pretty darned good! I'm able to stomach almost any food that I'd normally like, only having a problem if I eat too fast or too much.

And the best part of this update, DH felt the baby kick! I know it's insanely early, but it happened the day I turned 17 weeks (last Tuesday). We were cuddled up in bed and appearently Peanut thouht DH was too close because he got kicked right in the stomach lol. Taking after mommy perhaps ;). Granted, I'd never purposely kick DH in a way that would hurt him, but sometimes I'd like too lol.

We haven't done too much in the way of house hunting the last couple of weeks. Not really sure why. We both desperately want to move before the baby comes, but my mom and grandma are really putting pressure on me to stay put. I can see their point, but we're cramped and uncomfortable here as it is. Our bedroom is large, but it's serving as a bedroom, living room, and computer room which just isn't cutting it. I think my mom knows that I'm insecure about money because that's the only thing she's playing on. If it weren't for my dog, we'd be out of here already and into an apartment at least. But my dog can't do apartments, he likes to live outside and he's bigger than me so I don't argue lol! Besides, I love having a dog and even if he were more of an indoor dog, I'd want a nice yard for him to run around in.

Quick post!

2005-07-28T06:09:00.000-05:00

I've been gone thanks to some computer problems so I wanted to pop in quickly to say hi. I'll try to get back on here later today to give a real update, but for now I'll just say all is well. Computer isn't fixed yet, probably need to buy a new monitor at least, for the moment I'm borrowing my grandma's lol.

Still waiting...

2005-07-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

I must say that I don't care for the lack of frequency of appointments at this stage in the game. My next ob appointment is on Tuesday and it can't come fast enough!!! I get almost two weeks of excitement from an appointment, but that doesn't help much when it's been a month since my last one. I get so sooo worried that something will go wrong. I really wish I could just relax and enjoy this. I've past both of my m/c milestones and was never in danger of experiencing the problem that caused those losses this time around.

On Tuesday I will be 16 weeks. When I put it like that, it makes me wonder where the time has gone. Of course, at the same time I do wish I was much further along. Random people at work are noticing that I am, without a doubt, pregnant. That makes me worry too though. What if something goes wrong? That's just too many people that know. I do suppose all this worry is good training for motherhood though lol. I have a feeling that the worry will just get worse after Peanut is born.

I have so many questions I want to ask at my next appointment. Last time, I wrote all my questions down in a nice list and then managed to forget the list at work. No doubt I'd do the same thing this time so I'm concentrating on drilling these questions into my brain. I'd tattoo them to the back of my hand if I could. I would really like to avoid the situation I was in last time. I got so excited about hearing the heartbeat that I barely remembered to ask why they were drawing so much blood. They took 4 vials and I only know what two of those were for. I don't like that lack of information.

I know that around 16 weeks there are some specific tests that are offered, but I have a feeling that if I don't say something, these tests will just be done without me having the option. I'm thinking that along the way there will be some blood tests that are pointless because I absolutely refuse to have an amniocentesis or CVS testing done. The only way the doctor could change my mind about that is if there is suspicion of a problem that could be prevented by doing the testing. Other than that, there is no point to putting my child at risk because of one of those tests. If my baby is going to be born with a birth defect, I don't think it would be good for me to spend months worrying about the what ifs. After all I've gone through to get pregnant again in the first place, there is no way I would choose to abort based on a birth defect. And I'm not knocking anyone who would choose or has chosen to terminate a pregnancy based on birth defects, it's just that for me personally, it would never be the right decision. I'm sure for many people, it has been the right decision, and my heart goes out to anyone who has ever had to make that choice.

Assuming all goes well on Tuesday, it's about time I got around to calling my insurance to inquire about my options. I think I have two hospitals to choose from, but I'm not too sure. When I had my hystersalpingogram a year and a half ago, they told me to go to this one hospital, but according to my doctor's office, my insurance will only cover me having ultrasounds done at this other hospital. So I want to find out if they will let me deliver in the one I prefer, or if there is only one I can go to. If I get my choice between the two, I'll do tours soon, if not, that can wait awhile.

I'm also thinking of trying to get in on a support group. I think the closest hospital offers one for pregnancy after a loss. If so, I think that could really do me a world of good. I get some really great support from my forums, but someting about being face to face with people makes a difference. And if I could find a weekend group, that would definately help my weekend boredom! I need something to do other than sit on the computer and listen to DH snore lol.

I think I've rambled enough here. I'll try to get on here after my appointment Tuesday to update, but I may not be able to until Wednesday or Thursday.

All is Well

2005-07-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been updating, but things ave been pretty uneventful on the baby front.

I did get to hear the heartbeat at my appointment on the 20th. It's holding steady. And the doc told me that the subchorionic hemmorrage was shrinking so no more montioring I guess.

Morning sickness has been on and off. More off than on, so it's not miserable anymore. But I did find that I am having a lot of headaches lately. I grew up with migraines and they became a lot less frequent the older I got, but it's a whole new ballgame now. Most of them are mild, but I've had a couple of doozies. I should have expected it since I did have more frequent headaches during my short lived 2nd pregnancy. (oh and Melinda, you're right. Bedtime is the only time I can keep my prenatal down. Kinda hard to remember it that late in the day though.)

We had my family reunion the weekend of the 24th, where I had no choice but to spill the beans to my grandma because one of my relatives was getting really pushy with the bottle of tequila lol. That went over really well, but I'm still not telling any of my family about our IF struggles. None of them would understand anyways. I found I had a lot of energy that weekend. I did a ton of cooking and then the next morning I cooked breakfast for everyone who was still hanging around. That was about 15 people lol. My unlce from Arkansas brought some farm fresh eggs which I used to make scrambled eggs and waffles for everyone and then we also had bacon and sausage. It's amazing how many people suddenly want waffles when they find out they're Scooby-Doo shaped lol.

I am officially in the second trimester now, but the weekend of the family reunion was the only time I've experienced any extra energy. Still finding myself rather exhausted but at the same time I want to be out doing everything which isn't normal for me. Noramlly I'm a homebody and I prefer to watch a movie or sit on the computer. Now I have ambition, just no energy lol.

My dog also found out that I'm pregnant finally. I know animals have a sense about these things, but he didn't start acting any differently until today.

Think that's about it :). I'm definately thrilled that things have been so uneventful lately. If morning sickness is going to be my biggest complaint, that's great!

Ultrasound update and more complaining

2005-06-11T11:35:00.000-05:00

I guess everything looked good and baby was dancing around in there! I'll have to call the doc to get an update on the subchorionic hemorrage though.

Never again will I mention my morning sickness is gone w/o knocking on wood or something! Not an hour after my last post I was hugging the toilet again. Oh it was nasty and I had just taken my prenatal too.

Took a bath, felt a bit better and then it was time to wake DH up so he could get ready to take me for the u/s. I woke him promptly at 2 and he snoozed til 2:15 (normal for him). At 2:15 I started really trying to wake him up because we needed to leave by 3. By 2:30 I was in full nag mode telling him he needed to get up and asking him "You're not going to make me late are you????" He couldn't understand why I was nagging so much, so finally I shut up and silently resolved that I'd just go with out him if I had to, even though it was very important to both of us that he be there. 2:45 he finally drags himself out of bed and hops in the bath (no, he's not weird, we just don't have a shower right now). He had forgotten that the appointment was in Woodstock and not McHenry (how could he forget? Have I had an appointment in McHenry in the past 18 months???) At this point I'm frantic (I drank my 32 ounces of water just like I was told too, dummy me! And I already have the overwhelming need to pee). I decide that I might as well do my make-up so that I'm doing something other than sitting, staring at the clock. I go into the bathroom and DH is taking his sweet time in the bath. WTH? I tell him he might want to hurry it up a bit. I think that made him move a little. At 3:15 he's finally ready to go, I'm seething, but don't say a word because DH would just blame it on hormones and brush it off anyways (not hormones you dumbass, NEED TO PEE).

Now by nature DH is a speeder. Almost always doing something close to 10 over, drives me nuts. So I figure we might actually make it on time, right? Wrong!! He chose yesterday to be the day he does 10 under the speed limit! Considering it was a clear, sunny day and hardly anyone was on the road, after about 5 minutes of this I say something. He looked down at the speedometer and said "Oh." and before I knew it we were doing 20 over the limit. I threw a fit and he actually started driving normal for him. If he wasn't driving at the time I think I would have hit him over the head.

We finally got there 10 minutes late and of course now we had to wait. I assumed we got bumped or something. Come to find out after the fact that the tech just went on break and the chick at the desk was too busy shopping on the internet to tell the tech I had arrived! I can't wait until i get the outpatient survey for this visit (it was at a hospital, so i know they'll send one)! So we were sitting in the waiting room and all I can do is dance in my chair and cast some very evil looks at DH for making me suffer like this. 4:00 rolled around and I had finally had enough so I got up and asked the chick at the desk if she could find out how much longer it would be because my bladder is about to explode. At this point she finally went and told the tech I was there. Good thing because if they had made me wait any longer, I was just going to reschedule, I could not take it any longer! After a minute of being on the table, the tech had me go to the bathroom because my bladder was too full thank goodness! And even after I went it was still almost too full so I was told that next time I didn't need to drink nearly as much water as I did (think next time I'll just not worry about how much I drink or when I go to the bathroom lol).

Is it gone? Maybe? I hope?

2005-06-10T11:34:00.000-05:00

It's been a whole week since I've thrown up! At first I thought I was just getting lucky and that I was having a couple of good days, but I'm really starting to think the morning sickness is gone! I still have a little bit of nausea, but comparitively, it's nothing to complain about. Woohoo! Most of my food aversions are gone too, which is nice. A big one that was driving me crazy was the aversion to meat. I'm not a big time carnivore, but a couple times a week I just gotta have something! And I'm sure I wasn't getting much protien from bagels and pretzels. Still holding pretty steady around 108 pounds. Not quite happy with that, but I suppose I have the rest of this pregnancy to gain weight.

Belly is definately showing now! I need to go shopping this weekend to find some looser fitting shirts. Thankfully my pants should hold out for awhile, until I'm showing enough to need maternity clothes. I can only stand low rise jeans so that's all I have and I think that'll really help.

I'm stuck waiting rather impatiently for today's ultrasound. If all is well we should have a pretty good chance at hearing the heartbeat this time instead of just seeing it. I hope I get a more informative tech this time, I'm feeling rather nervous.

Complaining and updating

2005-06-04T19:35:00.000-05:00

Updates first....

I'm going for a 3rd ultrasound on June 10th. I think I mentioned that second sac-like thing they saw in both my ultrasounds? Well my ob sounded pretty confidant that it is indeed a subchorionic hemorrage. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's not as scary or evil as the name suggests, it's just a little pocket of blood in my uterus. Supposedly it's a pretty common occurance and the body usually absorbs the blood. I guess it's only something to be concerned about if I actually start to bleed, then bed rest is required, but that's not all that common. Anyways, this ultrasound will be to help track the size of the thing since (oops) my ob doesn't have the info from the ultrasound I had done at the RE's office. I have that info and I am supposed to give it to my OB, however, I have yet to see the guy since I was transfered back to him.

Leading me to this: my FIRST OB APPOINTMENT (lmao) will be June 20th. As odd as this sounds, yes, I will have had 3 (THREE) ultrasounds by the time of my FIRST ob appointment. The chick I talked to at the doctor's office felt concerned that I was pushing this appointment out too far (I figured that ultrasounds are definately worth taking time off work for, which I don't get much of, but to just talk to the doc if he doesn't feel I need to see him NOW, can wait a little while so I can get an appointment after work). At this point I'm taking half a vacation day every time I go for an ultrasound because my FMLA did not get recertified and I do not have the energy right now to work longer hours in order to make up my time. I'd like to save some of that vacation time in case I really, really need to use it, ya know, a safety net.

On to my complaining. While I know he could be much MUCH worse, my husband is being a bit of a dickwad right now. I know it's a common theme, especially with first time fathers-to-be, but this just kinda sucks. The last couple of week, I have restrained myself from doing housework except for one load of desperately needed clothes. Avoiding housework because the last time I did full scale laundry, all the bending caused me some very worrysome pains. It was either do the laundry or go to work looking like a freak. My pants were about to get up and walk themselves to the washer!!! DH has done 2 loads of his own laundry. One was entirely his clothing!!!! The other, i asked him to throw some things in for me, problem being that when it came time to throw them into the dryer, he only threw HIS clothes in and left mine to sit in the washer until i found them there 2 days later!!! he played dumb about this.

Next husband complaint. I'm still slowly losing weight, negative 11 pounds at the moment which is a big deal to me because I'm skinny as it is. A week ago Thursday, DH really started bitching at me that I need to eat more because this weight loss is rediculous (mind you, I've already spoken with the nurse and she told me there's no real concern unless i can't keep down fluids at this point). I was pissed, but tried to force down extra food at work that day anyways. Well guess what, it only made me sicker! I don't see how that helped at all, and I'm only eating foods that are agreeing with me the best! So I came home and threw a fit. I told DH that if he wants me to try to eat more "here's my list, go shopping". He said he would and he has yet to do it, over a week later! Oh wtf? Bitch at me about something and then not help me resolve your issue?? I very calmly mentioned the irony of all of this to him and he just shrugged. Too bad, the experts say this isn't hurting the baby, only me, so f* it. If it becomes a risk to the baby, then I'll go into hyper-active worry mode, until then, DH can just shut the heck up!

Whew, I feel better now! I'm going shopping!! Hope all is well with everyone, *hugs* to you wonderful ladies out there!

Second u/s...

2005-05-29T06:00:00.000-05:00

Yet again, I'm a little behind here. This past Wednesday we went for our second u/s. Seems things are still looking good. The tech wasn't informative at all, she only told us that the heart was beating at 158 beats per minute and that it looked like that second sac-like thingy might still be there. She couldn't tell for sure and was going to switch over to an internal u/s but never did. I guess I'm just used to the tech at the RE's office. She always gave me the full scoop and if anything was left out, my nurse would tell me. But I had to have this u/s done at the hospital for insurance reasons so my doctor was no where near. I'll call sometime next week to see if I can get the rest of the details. I need to call them to find out when I need to come back next anyways. I hate feeling so uninformed!!

Almost 9 weeks now :). I know I still have 31 weeks to go, but I think 9 is an accomplishment for me! So far, nothing bad has happened (knock on wood), I haven't killed anyone, and I haven't thrown up on anyone! I have however, been dealing with morning sickness for almost a month now. I'm pretty darned sick of that. My job isn't very forgiving about unscheduled time off, so if this doesn't let up soon, I'm going to be in some hot water. And I really need my job right now, heaven forbid my DH find a job that comes with insurance!

I think I'll be in maternity wear early. My pants are already tight and my belly is starting to get noticeable. I'll blame this on the abdominal surgery I had when I was 17. I'm certainly not eating enough/ keeping enough food down for this to be non-pg weight gain, not that I'm gaining weight.

Thanks everyone :-)

2005-05-14T14:01:00.000-05:00

Just a quick thanks to everyone who's left comments, sent private messages, and even a few cards! I really appreciate it all, you guys are the best!

Nothing really new to report. I'm sleeping all the time, actually had to call in sick to work because of morning sickness for the first time. Yuck! But I'm greatful for it :-)

Food is evil. Anytime I've tried eating in the last few days I either get sick or I get some awful upper abdominal pains. Doesn't matter if it's normal food or "sick" food. This kid doesn't want me eating anything! At least it looks like I've stopped losing weight though. I'm back to my normal weight fluctuations, just a little lower than I'm used to.

I'm very happy to report that I've had absolutely no spotting. Even with what the nurse and tech told me about that sac-like thing, no bleeding whatsoever! I'm very happy about that because no matter how normal or expected it would be, I'd still freek out big time if I even thought I saw blood!

We have a heartbeat!

2005-05-11T18:01:00.000-05:00

Yep, only one lol! Seems I was about the only one who was right about that. The tech thinks the hb just started today. It was really hard to find it. At first both the tech and my nurse thought I was going to need to come back for another u/s because they couldn't find it but thankfully they took another look :).

There was a second sac-like thingy in there. At first they told me for sure it was some old blood and they were surprised that I hadn't spotted at all (and told me that it's likely I may spot a little sometime soon, so don't freak out). Then before I left they told me that there was a chance it had originally been a second baby. I kinda wish they hadn't told me that. I don't like knowing the possibility that I may have lost one.

Needless to say, I am absolutely thrilled! DH is a nervous wreck right now lol. I guess that's to be expected though. I don't go back for another u/s for 2-3 weeks, but i am done with the RE unless a problem arises.

Ooops!!

2005-05-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

I totally thought I posted the results from my 3rd beta! It was good yet again, I'm so happy I could puke lol. It was something around 2200, that's more than doubling, but not necessarily in the twins range. I didn't catch the exact number because I was concentrating too hard on remembering to ask how my progesterone was doing (still >40), how long I need to be on the Crinone (until 10 weeks, I'm thrilled it's not 12 wks like I thought it would be), and how to go about getting a refill since I have no refills left (and I am NOT willing to go through that dumbass mail order pharmacy!). I always forget to ask questions like that so it took a lot of brain power to remember.

Now this coming Wednesday is my u/s. If I don't post about it here by Thursday, someone please come kick my butt. Brain is on strike lol.

Keeping this post short since my last was a novel!

5 weeks tomorrow!

2005-05-03T05:36:00.000-05:00

That means only 2 weeks, 1 day left until I hit my last m/c milestone. Oy that's a long time!

Anyways, the nausea is behaving as long as I'm eating like a starved pig. No real cravings, the most specific one has been salt. I just needed to eat something salty. So Sunday morning for breakfast, I ate a big bowl of Shredded Wheat followed closely by a frozen dinner (fetticini alfrado) lmao. What a combo! I just can't believe how much I've been eating lately. Or sleeping... I'm still going to bed around 7, except for the weekends because I've been taking naps. So on the weekends I can make it til 9 lol. The odd thing is that I am going to bed that early because I am truly exhausted, but I'm waking up early too, all on my own. I don't understand that because it only takes an hour or two of being at work for me to be exhausted again. I wish caffiene wasn't so evil. I'd be buying stock in Pepsi right now!

One more day until my 3rd beta. I hope the results come back good. I'm okay unless there are new results to hear! Which means I am absolutely terrified of my u/s next week! I wish the u/s had been yesterday lol, that way it'd be done and over with already. Oh well, I guess my luck with my insurance has run out. They only allow the RE to do one u/s on me unless there's a problem and I think the only reason they're allowing the 3rd beta is because the 2nd one may have indicated a multiple pregnancy. I don't think that's likely (neither did the nurse). My nurse should be back from vacation by now, so that's kind of exciting! I really really like my nurse and with how many times she had the chore of giving me bad news, it was really disappointing that she couldn't be the one to give me the good news. And we can't say that she's bad luck for me because this is the second time since I've started going to the RE that I had to hear results from the other nurse.

On to other tidbits for anyone who may be wondering.

Assuming all is well, we will not be finding out the sex when the time comes (per DH's wishes).

The names we've pretty much decided on are James Douglas and Angelina Faith. The name James is kind of a family tradition for my DH and Douglas is his father's middle name (FIL goes by Doug anyways). Angelina was a very special woman I befriended at the nursing home I used to work at. She passed on 2 short weeks after I officially quit the first time. I'm thinking of using the nickname "Angel" (even though my grandmother's only great grandchild at this point is named Angel). I think it's a very pretty nickname and I love angels. Faith has no real significance. I can't say I've exactly had a lot of faith throughout this ttc journey, it's just the only middle name I could think of that really goes well with Angelina.

Unless I hear otherwise, my due date is still January 4th. Kind of ironic because my anniversary date at work is 1/5 so that's the day I get my vacation time lol!

DH and I are now saving up hardcore to move out! There was no real need to get out of grandma's house before, but I really don't think her or my uncle would appreciate a screaming baby at 2 am. Hopefully it won't take us too long. I think most of the unexpected expenses I can think of hit us the last time we tried to move out, so it should be awhile before they all hit us again lol. I recently got a pretty nice raise and DH is making more at his current job than he did at his last job, plus he's due for a raise soon too. My only thing is that I want to get a few months ahead on our car payment and insurance before we move out, but I don't think that'll be a problem. Those 2 and our internet bill are the only bills we have right now (electric and other bills are included in our rent). So if we can get ahead on those and stay ahead, we should be able to better handle any unexpected expences that arise. (ok, so I guess this is mostly me thinking to my blog lol, if you're actually reading all of this, I'm impressed).

I have resigned myself to the fact that I most likely will have to keep my job after baby arrives. It's not that big of a deal to me as long as DH is still working 3rd shift. My biggest issue is that I do not want to be sending my child to a babysitter every day. Nothing against any of you who may do that, my own personal experience has just soured me on the concept. Not to mention that daycare can sometimes cost more than working could justify.

Oh! I did tell my mom the news! She's happy, but I don't think she likes the fact that I asked her to keep quiet about it lol! I just wanted to tell her before she heard from someone I work with. Several people keep in contact with her via email as she used to work were I work.

The rumor mill at work strikes again! I had to go down to HR yesterday to get my last FMLA paperwork and one of the ladies down there looks at me and asks "Can I ask you a personal question" of course I didn't care lol. She says "It's a really personal question". Again, doesn't bother me... appearently through misunderstanding she thought I was carrying quintuplets! Now of course nothing is confirmed yet, so i guess it's a possibility, but still, I had to laugh!

Ok done rambling lol, DH should be home any minute

Second beta..

2005-04-28T18:02:00.000-05:00

was good! 149, that's almost tripled. I'm not really thinking multiples here, but I guess we're still in the running for that.

I go back for a third beta next Wednesday and then for my first u/s the following Wednesday. The u/s will be the last appointment I have with the RE unless I have problems. I'm sure going to miss them!

I believe everyone but our families know now. I immediately told people at work for various reasons. Some people had been cheering me on over the last few months and others needed to know that I might have some limitations now.

I'm still laughing at DH over this, but his first reaction was "I'll believe it when I see it". 2 hours later when i visited him at work, everyone knew.

I told a close friend of mine but asked her not to tell anyone yet, DH told a friend of his and now our whole group knows lmao. He said he had to tell this friend because "I had to tell someone!!" Ok, Mr. I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it.

All is well so far. I'm on a very funky sleeping schedule. I've been falling asleep around 7 and waking up at some very early hour only being able to doze for a short while after that. Very, very sleepy. Nausea hit full force today, no puking yet though. Peeing like crazy which is a weight loss program in itself while I'm at work. Pretty long walk to the bathroom, especially when I'm going 5 times a day just at work (as opposed to once or twice).

I am so freeking bloated. I'm wearing baggy shirts right now because I am so bloated that I look at least 5 months pg. It's crazy! I don't think I can quite justify the belly at 4 weeks.

Although I may tell my mom sooner, I'm planning on waiting at least two more weeks to tell the rest of my family. As for dh's family, I'd prefer they not know at all lol.

I'm preggers!!!!

2005-04-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

and if I didn't say it enough, O M G! I can't believe it! I was so sure af was on her way this morning.

I'm 12 dpo today and my hCG was at 50. I go back Wednesday for my second beta. I'm nervous for sure, but this is the first time I've actually gotten a real number back from a doctor so I hope this is a good sign!!!

Ok, so I'm a whiner

2005-04-17T22:15:00.000-05:00

I did something stupid over the weekend. On Saturday DH wanted to go play softball with some of his buddies. I had to debate for quite some time whether or not I wanted to go with because I knew there was a good chance of there being two VEY pg women there. In the end, I decided to go thinking that some fresh air might do me good. It was just as bad as I feared. I'm still having this abdominal pain and I was told specifically to take it easy and no lifting (by my nurse) and what's the first thing one of the pg women asks me to do when she gets there? "Can you lift these big bags of ice out of my cooler and break them up?" Not even a "Hi, how are you?" first. Oh btw, that one was the pg woman from the bar and she's due the end of next month already :-(. What a reminder of the passage of my infertile time.

I'm having a very rough time hormonally this weekend. I'm just ready to give it all up! Yesterday DH and I chatted for a minute and I realized I feel no hope at all this month and I feel like I'm going through all of this and putting my DH through all of this for absolutely nothing. I got very upset today, felt the urge to start smashing things in my room. Thankfully I'm still level headed enough to know that wasn't a good idea so instead I lied down and hid under a blanket for a few minutes. After that I ended up crying twice. The second time I started up, I think the only reason I stopped was because we had to do the family party thing for dh's birthday. Wow was I a wreck. Normally I can fix my face up pretty well after a crying fit, no one ever notices, but today I'd be surprised if no one noticed.

I am just so sick of this crap. No matter what I do I just can't be happy. Sure I may be able to forget about things for an hour at a time, but the other 23 hours of the day (yes, even my dreams) revolve around sadness.

Hmmm

2005-04-15T05:49:00.000-05:00

I still have this abdominal pain, but my symptoms are definately not matching the ones my nurse told me to watch out for. My nurse told me that it seemed like either I was hyperstimulated or I was having severe ovulation pain. She told me to make sure my weight does not go UP by more than 5 lbs in a day, over the last day and a half, I've lost almost 5 lbs. Se told me to up my fluid intake and monitor my fluid output. I only upped my intake a little, but I'm going to the bathroom like there's no tomorrow. I am seriously bloated, but I was told to watch for swelling in the hands and ankles... nothing. So I have to ask: WTF is wrong with me? lol. I'd be happy to deal with all of this if I was pg, but I won't know that for over a week.

And while I'm ranting; iParenting! Is it just me or is that site impossible most days? I have the best internet connection I've had in months right this very moment and for some reason my browser "cannot find" the forums. Most days I have to give the page over 5 minutes to load and then it also takes forever to read each post. I could completely understand this during high volume times (especially since it's a free site), but I think a lot of the old posters from any of those boards have moved on to bigger and better things. I think "high volume" for those boards is 20 right now and there's got to be at least 50 seperate boards.

On a lighter note, TGIF! I had such a screwed up week at work with doctor appointments Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday that I must have forgot what it was like to actually work a full day lol! I really hate missing so much work now that I actually kinda like my job (and have probably the best co-workers ever), but I can't say I don't like not being there lol. If I had my way, I'd be a housewife (okay, so if I truly had my way, I'd be a SAHM already). I had one month of being a housewife during my first pregnancy and I absolutely loved it! I got to bake and cook everyday (I love doing both) and for a brief time, my room was actually spotless. Oh how I miss that. Really, housework is so much better when you don't have to do it after working an 8+ hour shift or give up your weekend to get it done.

Breasts for sale!

2005-04-13T06:13:00.000-05:00

Actually in a few days I'll be will to pay you to take them!

Just a recap... bfn last cycle, did Follistim again this cycle, and had my IUI yesterday (and one today). 7 mature follicles and each one of them is kicking my butt right now.

I think I woke up in full pms mode. I'm seriously bloated, I have cramps, my boobs are hurting, and of course my butt still hurts from the hCG trigger shot. I can't stand up entirely straight right now, thank goodness I have to leave work early for my 2nd insem because I don't know how I'm going to survive the 4 or 5 hours I am going to work today. My job requires a lot of walking, so maybe if I can speed up the parts that i have to walk during and slow down the sit down parts, I might make it through the day lol. I'm ever so greatful that I get to park closer now and don't have to worry about walking all the way to the time clock :~).

Well, off to work for now, I'll try to post more tomorrow and I'm sure this month I'll be giving a step by step analysis of all of my symptoms. Hey, 7 follicles, a girl's gonna get her hopes up lol!

Yikes, it's been awhile!

2005-03-23T19:53:00.000-06:00

I thought I'd be updating here more on the forums, guess I was wrong!

Well, I survived the injections with 3 mature follicles and we did IUI again. My progesterone on Monday was outstanding, 27.4! That's the highest I've ever seen it and I suspect that is the highest it has ever been because my boobs never hurt this much (and I don't fit into my bra at all right now).

DH has a good feeling about this cycle and I don't feel entirely out of hope like I have the last several months, so maybe that's a good sign. Not going to even attempt to analyze any symptoms because of the medication, but suffice it to say I feel like crap lol!

New job is going well. Some of it is a bit boring, but one week out of the month they feed me :). Unfortunately that week out of the month is hell for overtime. Last week I had doctor appointments on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday which took me out of work for 2 to 3 hours per appointment and on top of that still managed a 51 hour work week. I'm a shared resource between COI (continuous operations improvements) and the Lab (calibration) and that is working out very nicely. I love it in the lab, the hours tend to fly by and unless they have no work for me (which only happened once out of the last month) I'm in there for 4 and a half hours every day (except for that one week out of the month). The COI is boring every now and then because sometimes there just isn't much to do (I'm sure that won't last long, I'm learning more every day) but it's still 10 times better than what I was doing before. There's a lot more walking instead of standing in the same spot for hours on end, I'm working with people I never thought I'd be working with, and there's a lot less stress.

It seems weird that I'm talking more about work than TTC here. I guess I'm just not quite as obsessed this month (although I'm not saying that I'm not obsessed). It's pretty relaxing, I'm not stressing about getting through this darned week so I can go to the doctor on Monday although it would be nice if the week was moving by a tiny bit faster :). Hopefully I'll stop neglecting my blog now, I think I kinda forgot I had one lol.

Found some energy

2005-02-26T11:15:00.000-06:00

I knew my internet time might be tight for awhile, but I didn't expect that I wouldn't be able to get on at all. There's a pretty nasty flu going around here and of course I caught it. Not to mention a sinus infection and an upper respiratory infection. So I've been sick and having anti-biotics kick my butt. I've never heard of the antibiotic I was prescribed this time, but I have my doubts that I needed something so strong. I mean, this stuff has me unable to get out of bed 20 minutes after I take it followed by about 10 hours of sleep and then I'm a zombie when I wake up. But now it's Saturday so I have a little time.

My cyst is almost gone so I got to stop the bcps and now I'm waiting for my period. Appearently when they found the cyst, it was twice the size of my ovary! Glad I didn't know that before, I've been paranoid enough about it. I should be able to start my injections soon, that's a relief.

My new job is going okay. I've been really out of it so I'm having some difficulties, but it's something new and I like that. In addition to my new job at work, I'll be doing something else for half days while I'm there for a while. I get to work in the lab starting Monday to help them "prove" a new piece of equiptment. As for the job I've been working at the nursing home, I'm almost done there. Today and tomorrow will be the last days of training for the new person taking over the shift. I'm a little worried though because my grandma is talking about firing someone there (who needed to be fired years ago IMO) so I'm hoping that I won't be needing to cover those shifts in the near future.

Until I'm feeling better I'll be posting here exclusively if I can get on the internet at all. I know I have a crap load of housework waiting for me that I just haven't had the energy to do. I'm hoping to get some of it done today, but I'm not counting on it lol.

Whew

2005-02-13T12:11:00.000-06:00

I just survived the longest work week of my life. It's sooo nice to be able to be home today! I think next week might be worse though, so if you don't see me at all (like this past week), I didn't fall off of the face of the Earth or anything, my brain has simply gone on strike.

Not too much going on around here, just sitting in limbo while on bcps. I'm so calm about this, it's amazing. These pills must be evening me out or something. If my cyst goes away as planned, I should be on bcps less than two more weeks. Granted, I'll have another week to wait on af, but the nurse wants me to call after 21 days on the pills to schedule an ultrasound to check out my ovary.

Something slightly exciting in a computer geek kind of way. I fionally have a real word processor again! About a year ago we put a new hard drive into our computer which meant putting all of the programs back on it. Well I went to put microsoft word back in and suddenly my key code is 5 digits too short. This has been driving me up a wall for quite some time now and after much research, I found that the only way to fix it is to buy the software again. Having to use Word Pad and Note Pad just plain sucks, especially when people send me files meant for Microsoft Word or when DH wants to revise his resume. I did manage to find a free program that allows me to view Microsoft Word files and print them out, but no editing allowed. Yesterday I was looking through my computer for something and stumbled upon the Microsoft Works word processor. I have no idea where this came from, never seen it on the computer before (and I've really looked). It's not even listed as a program in Microsoft Works. Very odd.

Oh! And more troubles from mail order pharmacy land. I had no choice that I know of but to get my meds for next cycle from a mail order pharmacy. I tried calling the big Walgreens a couple of towns away to see if they carried Follistim, but they don't. I think they can get it (it would take a few days) but at the time I thought I'd be starting my injections right away and didn't think I'd have time to wait. So I didn't protest when my insurance put my order in with IVP Care again.

My insurance company called me the Thursday before I was planning on starting my meds, however by the time I got home and found the message on my machine, they were closed! I got very upset, thinking I'd never get my meds in time. I called my insurance company the minute they opened in the morning and explained my plight. All they could tell me was that I should ask my doctor if they have any meds there I could use and then replace when my order came in. Yeah, right. So I get off the phone and go to my appointment (baseline u/s) and find out that it doesn't matter if I don't see my meds for another week or two.

I called my insurance back and told them to go ahead and process the order and then I talked to IVP Care later that night to set up delivery. I don't have any credit cards or a checking account yet so I have to pay for everything C.O.D. which sucks because then someone has to be home to accept the order and hand over the money order. In the past, I've had Chris stay home to do this since he's still out of work, but that means he has to sit around all day waiting on this package that can come anytime between 8 am and 5 pm instead of being out looking for work. I wasn't going to do this again so I asked if I could specify that the package be delivered after 4pm. No can do, FedEx won't do that (or so IVP Care says). So they give me the option of having the package delievered to a FedEx location were I can go pick it up at. This was perfect for me, they told me it would be delivered to the Crystal Lake FedEx/Kinkos.

IVP Care was supposed to call me Monday night to verify everything and let me know how much I owed. They never called and with the super long work week I was strarting, it was too late to call them. I figured I could just call FedEx the next day and get the info. I got way too busy Tuesday to do anything about this. I don't even remember what time I crawled in the door, but there was an automated messege from FedEx on my machine, looking for me. The messege had no info, but it clued me in that my package arrived. I figured I could call FedEx at lunchtime on Wednesday. The only listing in the phone book for FedEx is their 1-800 number so I tried that. It's all automated and they don't give you a direct option to talk to a representative and the options they did list didn't help me any. I tried calling a couple more times when I got home, no help. Yet again, it was too late to try to call the insurance company or IVP care, so I set my sights on Thursday.

I found the FedEx website and after about half an hour of searching I learned that I could look up locations and phone numbers for FexEx Kinkos locations. Yay! I called the Crystal Lake office where my package was supposed to be and they didn't have it. They told me that FedEx Kinkos locations do not hold packages sio my package wouldn't have been left there in the first place. I told them about the messege left on my machine and they said that since it was an automated messege, it must have come from the Cary FedEx. Okay, now I'm pissed. I know how to get to this town, but now we're talking about going three towns away instead of two. I go back to the FedEx website and try to look up the number for this location. It took me an hour to figure out how to look up an address for a regular FedEx and then there were no phone numbers listed, just an address and hours of operation, they were already closed. So I try the 800 number again. I chose an option and when I didn't select an option in the next menu (after a few minutes of them asking me to select an option) I was finally given the option of talking to an operator! OMG a real live person!!! I asked them about my package and since I didn't have a tracking number, this took a long time. I gave them my name, the approximate ship date and where I thought my package might be. They had no record of my package. Once again, too late to get ahold of anyone at IVP Care so I decided it was time to leave a message, and not a happy one. I told them that this was the first chance I had to call since they're closed by the time I get home, that my package was no where to be found, and that they would have to deal with my husband the next day (they won't deal with him since he isn't me). I made it very clear that they would be dealing with Chris.

IVP Care called the next day and they didn't want to talk to Chris. He of course became very aggressive with them and they ended up talking to him. They tried to tell him that he would have to call 3 different places and this would take care of the problem. Um HELLOOOOO, isn't this their job? My wondrful husband can get quite nasty on the phone when provoked and after 20 minutes of being transfered, IVP Care made the phone calls themselves. That's a good thing because I don't think the placed Chris would have had to call would have dealt with him since the package was in my name only. It turned out that my meds were in Cary so we went and picked them up, end of story.

I will not deal with that pharmacy again. Any time I've called, the staff have always been pleasent but this is the second time I've had a huge problem getting my medication. According to my nurse, this is the only company that won't do same day delievery without chanrging some outrageous amount, so she was going to talk to someone about switching pharmacies. My nurse hadn't been aware of the problem until the day I mentioned it to her, I was the second one that day to complain.

Another kink in the plan

2005-02-05T13:31:00.000-06:00

My baseline u/s on Friday revealed a nice huge cyst so instead of starting injectibles yesterday, I started birth control pills on the advice of my doctor. I have been trying to concieve for 2 years and desperately want a baby and now I'm on birth control! WTF?!?

I think Chris understands my frustration and sadness here, however at the end of the day he finally tip-toed to the thought that's he's glad for the break. He wants his wife how she used to be. Problem with that is that I can't see myself being what used to be normal for me during this forced break and I certainly don't remember what normal is anymore. I guess I'll just have to try to fake it.

Injectables

2005-02-02T18:07:00.000-06:00

That's our next step, injectables and IUI. I am a little disappointed that the doctor didn't suggest IVF, but also relieved in a way.

The doctor spent the first 10 minutes of our appointment reviewing our chart which turned out to be a good thing because there were some things that didn't get written in there that she needed to look up (mostly stuff from appointments I've had to go to a different office for). She then decided that "just in case" I really should have a fasting glucose level test done. She said it wasn't likely there'd be any problem, but if it did turn out that my numbers were funky, that could have been part of the reason for my miscarriages. Doubtful, but a good precaution.

The RE gave me the choice between doing 150 mg Clomid or Follistim. She didn't seem too keen on the idea of Clomid again, but it seemed like she thought that was the route I'd go. She felt that the Clomid did absolutely nothing for my progesterone (which is soooo true) and that part of the goal was to get me to not need the Crinone.

This puts me in a little bit of a tight spot since I got my period yesterday (early for me coming off of Crinone) and I need to wait on insurance approval before I can do anything, but if my insurance company can fax over approval tomorrow I won't have to skip a cycle! I'll start everything on Friday assuming that stupid mail order pharmacy can actually figure out what STAT means. Thankfully my nurse sure knows the importance of timing. She was fretting about how I'd need to come in for a teach to learn how to give these injections, but then decided she had time to do it right then and there.

I'll get to use the nifty Follistim Pen. Yay, no mixing required! I don't even have to go through a ton of syringes, the only things I need to change are the needle(each time of course) and the cartridge (once).

I don't want to be me anymore

2005-01-30T11:03:00.000-06:00

I'm so tired of bad news.. bad news reguarding me, bad news reguarding my friends. It needs to stop. I'm tired of the bfn's and the m/c's.

Some days I wish I could just die and start all over, from the beginning and do my life differently. Maybe if I would have gone to college right out of high school I'd have some busy career right now that would keep me from caring about ttc. Maybe if I had that career I could have started seeing the RE a lot earlier than I did and would have had success by now. I don't want to cry anymore.

I go back to the RE on Wednesday to discuss what our next step will be. I'm not sure if this means having to take another cycle off because of insurance approval or not, I desperately hope not. I can't handle the waiting anymore. I really have no idea what my doctor is going to recommend. I think the normal next step for most people would be injectibles and more IUI's, but I'm not sure that's what my doc will go for. On my second natural cycle, I remember sitting in the waiting room at the RE and talking to a woman who had been going there just a little longer that I had been and because her insurance covered it, her and the RE agreed that she could jump right into IVF, skipping IUI's and everything. Knowing that my insurance is the same, I'm thinking that's what the RE might suggest.

I brought up the idea of IVF to dh yesterday and asked him to seriously think about whether or not he had any moral issues with the procedure, the idea that some embryos might end up throw away or selective reduction. I was glad to hear him say hours later that he didn't have a problem with it, that he's willing to do what it takes to not see me the way I was Friday night again. I don't know for sure that my doctor will recommend that, it seems like a huge jump, but then again so did jumping to IUI's from natural cycles. My doctor seems to be pleseantly aggressive.

So anyways, about Friday night... uhg I can't believe I did this again. I went out knowing I'd end up drunk because of how upset I was, I just forgot one important thing. Since starting the IUI's, I really haven't been drinking at all, only really on days when I get a bfn, so my alcohol tolerance is just completely gone. And then I did something stupid, I decided wine would be my drink of choice for the night. Bad, bad, bad! I was drunk after my first glass and then had another glass and a half. I was having a grand time until something (no idea what) set me off and I started bawling right in front of everyone. I am so embarassed about that and everyone thinks I just had one to many. Normally when I go out having a bad night, I have a great time until I'm alone with DH, then the crying starts. I guess that tactic isn't working for me anymore. I also got sick which just made me cry more on the way home. And then I got the first hangover I've had in a year and a half. I'm very lucky, I inherited something from my mom that causes me not to get hangovers... unless I get really drunk off of wine. It's just been so long that I had completely forgotten about that.

Well, enough of my whining. I'm not doing too bad today, but I know it will be hell once the crinone is out of my system and af starts.

I guess I should explain

2005-01-27T20:34:00.000-06:00

I seriously haven't fallen off of the face of the earth, I'm just back to working way too much again. It really sucks, but things should settle down a little after Saturday, I hope. Nothing new to report. I go in for my beta tomorrow morning. I'm not feeling hopeful at all, but that doesn't mean I'm not wishing my little heart out over here. I guess we'll see tomorrow.

IUI

2005-01-15T14:04:00.000-06:00

I guess I need to catch up a bit here, meds have been really messing with my emotions and stuff so I haven't really felt like updating the last week or so.

I had my LH surge on Thursday so I went in for yet another exciting visit to the all-seeing dildo! Yay! Turns out I had 2 follicles, 26 mm each on my left ovary. A little odd since I ovulated off the left last cycle, but I'll take it! Talk about huge :-). So I did the HCG trigger shot that night and had to survive work the next day with a very sore bum. DH actually had to stick me twice this time, hit a vein the first time so it's been a little worse this time around.

I went to work for a couple of hours Friday then left to do the IUI and then I did the stupidest thing ever, I went back to work! I knew for sure that I had to work at the nursing home last night so I really should have not gone back to my real job and rested up instead. But noooo, I just felt the need to go back! I guess I never really realize how bad the cramping can get until I'm in a position where I can't sit down. Dumb dumb dumb!

Well, I did survive work, but Chris was insistant that we go out to the bar last night. How boring, I drank water all night and actually had to pull Chris aside at one point to tell him he was being an asshole and that I was leaving in 20 minutes. We worked that out quickly and we ended up leaving an hour and 20 minutes later :-(. That was rather bad considering I had to go for my second IUI this morning at 9. But there was a plus side to this bar thing last night. We met this couple up there and at the end of the night I learned that they have been ttc on and off for about 10 years now. Yikes! Someone new to talk to about this stuff though :-).

I guess I should also add that Friday's IUI was really painful. It was a different nurse doing it and she told me that my cervix is "nubbed", narrow, and curved. Which may explain some of the ttc troubles we've had. I think the nurse that has done my other 3 inseminations must be used to dealing with that kind of stuff because it didn't seem nearly as difficult for her.

What a mess

2005-01-01T13:27:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how badly I really let myself go last night. I tend to cry a lot because of this infertility/ misscarriage stuff, but never in front of anyone but Chris. Last night I bawled my eyes out on more than one occasion in front of multiple people and the worst part is that one of those people lives for drama and he was completely sober. I'm betting that means I will hear something about it in the near future.

So anyways, this was the situation. Chris and I planned on attending a New Year's Eve party a friend of his was hosting. I know all of the people that were there and most of them I know well enough to consider friends of my own. Among them was the pg friend who still hangs out at the bar which made me have serious doubts about wanting to go in the first place. half an hour before we planned on leaving home to go out for the night, Chris informs me that another of our friends just found out that she is pregnant. I am sincerely happy for her especially because she's had many problems with pregnancies in the past, but it made me even sadder for myself. We got to the party and as it turns out, pg friend #2 wasn't there, her husband came alone. Appearently his experiences have made him sensitive to my situation so I didn't have any problems with him all night. That was a bit of a relief! The trouble really did start the moment I walked in the door though. One of our friends asked me "You're not pg too are you?" I told him no and said that we've had some problems with that. he immediately followed with the line that I am the sickest of hearing "Well, it will happen when it's meant to happen" ... BITE ME!

The husband of pg friend #1 was already totally bombed when we got there and it didn't take long for him to start rambling about his pg wife and baby this, baby that. So I went outside for a breath of fresh air and thus began crying spell #1. After about 20 minutes of being outside Chris came out and let me know he talked to the husband and that the baby talk would stop. He also talked to one of the female friends I'm pretty close to and made sure she knew I'd be needing her later. Well, appearently the husband quickly forgot the little talk Chris had with him and he started right back up again not too long after I dragged my butt in the house. Crying spell #2.. I hid in the bathroom for as long as I could before someone started knocking because people had to pee. I regained my composure and rejoined the party. Around 11:30 everyone cleared the basement and went upstairs to get ready for the countdown. I went back downstairs because I felt the next fit coming on, Chris came with me. After about 10 minutes of crying again, a really REALLY drunk friend came downstairs and tried to comfort me. He used that dreaded line of "it'll happen" but something about his tone let me know he was sincerely trying to help, so I didn't get any more upset due to that. Chris and I were alone downstairs when the countdown went off and I was still crying. People started coming back downstairs so I lied down in a way that made it look like I was just falling asleep.. no questions asked thank goodness.

I guess I should also add that the female friend Chris talked to for me got into a petty fight with her boyfriend not long after Chris talked to her so tey left early and I ended up being the one trying to comfort her. Gosh I hate drama, it always happens.

I think I'll be keeping my distance from this crowd for quite some time. They are really good friends of ours, but some of the things they were saying that upset me were also quite offensive. I can't really hold it against the ones who were drunk I suppose, but I know it'll just happen again.

Nasty dream

2004-12-29T06:38:00.000-06:00

A lot of the details are really blurry, but I just need to write about this and get it out. I had some kind of bad dream last night about having a bad pregnancy. It was kind of set up as if I had just gone in for my blood test and when I called to get the results they told me it was positive but not looking good. For some reason my nurse or doctor was male which is strange seeing as my RE and my nurse are both female. That's about all I remember. Maybe I'll poke around and look for an online dream analyzer lol. I get a kick out of things like that and if I can find some meaning in this dream that isn't horrible, perhaps I'll feel better about it.

Yet another bfn

2004-12-28T16:34:00.000-06:00

As I'm sure you can imagine, I'm rather bummed out about it. We'll be doing the same type of cycle again, just with a higher dose of Clomid. That's good because I wasn't going to do the clomid if they weren't going to up my dosage. The 50 mg didn't seem to have any effect at all. My egg didn't mature any sooner and I may have ovulated one day early, maybe not. I can't say I'm looking forward to this coming cycle, I feel like I have no hope left in me. Perhaps this feeling will pass in a day or two, I guess we'll see. Maybe I'll get lucky and have a few mature folicles next time. I know it isn't all that likely with Clomid alone, but seeing as I ovulate just fine without it, maybe there's a chance.

Passing some time

2004-12-25T06:28:00.000-06:00

It's early and I can't wake DH up because he has a headache, so in boredom, I thought I should make a list of my symptoms so that if I'm not pg this cycle, I can remember for next time what all this medication does to me...

1. CRAMPS!! They went away for a few days and then started right up again, worse.

2. Bloating. I've had this one for a few weeks now.

3. Nausea. This one started up this morning and OMG.

4. Umm, I'm freezing wrapped up in a blanket with long sleeves and pants on and it's almost 90 degrees in my bedroom (no exaggeration, we have a digital thermometer on our window fan).

5. I'm extremely tired. I don't remember feeling this tired from the Crinone before and I'm taking it half as much this cycle as in previous cycles. This was a side effect of the HCG shot, but as I mentioned before, I took a hpt a few days ago and it turned up negative, so the shot must be out of my system, right? When I was pg, I took a nap, religiously, every single day. When I wasn't working, this nap was at 2pm, when I was working, it was at 10 am.

6. I'm starting to look like some pizza-faced teenager. I had a mini break out from the clomid, but that all went away for the most part... it's baaaaack.

7. Hungry, hungry, hungry... I could easily gain 15 pounds this holiday season. Never before have I gained weight over the holidays.

I think that's it. If I weren't medicated, I'd say I was pg for sure, but all of the hormones floating around in my system right now have me skeptical. Only two more days until my blood test! Heaven help me if I find a store open today that sells hpts.

Happy holidays everyone!

Sick of being bloated!!

2004-12-23T09:21:00.000-06:00

I swear I think my abdomen is going to explode! Last I knew, this was a side effect of the HCG shot.. well guess what.. I tested yesterday and saw a bfn. That means the shot is out of my system, right??? I would think so. So then I shouldn't still be bloated, should I? Gosh I hope all of this unpleasantness is worth it!

DH and I went out to the bar last night. It was my idea because we've been ditching out on our friends a lot lately because of me. Either I'm too tired or I just don't want to go because I can't drink and I know I'll be bored. So I drank water all night and let DH get drunk. I normally don't let him really drink because even if I'm not drinking, I don't like driving at night. It's amazing some of the things he said last night. I can't go into a lot of it, but at one point he told me he'd be the one to be disappointed if things didn't work out this cycle and how he's looking forward to pampering me when I do get pg. I gave him a really funny look for that one and he proceded to remind me that alcohol does not create character, it reveals it. Interesting... he's always the patient one, the only reason we're ttc right now is because that's what I want. He wants children but it doesn't matter to him if it's now or later and now he's telling me he'll be disappointed? It was kind of nice to here, I must admit :). He always understands when I'm feeling disappointed, but it never seemed like he shared the feeling.

Well, the bar was pretty boring last night. It was nice to see our friends there again, but they always play the kareoke so loud that I can't hear anything else. So I can't get involved in a conversation unless it's with just one other person and they're just about in my eardrum. My pg friend was there again, awful coincidence. I once again got to sit and watch her rub her belly which btw is huge for how far along she is. Things were kept pretty quiet about her pregnancy for the first little while we were there, then people kept bringing it up. Hmm, add that to the reasons I haven't gone to the bar lately. IT'S A FREEKING BAR DAMIIT!!!! Gees, when I do get knocked up, I may go in there once to spread the good news, but after that, I'll keep my kid away from the stumbling drunks and cigarette smoke, thank you. We were all kinda talking about our new years plans at the end of the night (we're all going to the same party at a friend's house) and Chris was joking around saying he had the spot where he's crashing picked out since he helped our friends move into that place and how no one better take it, and pg friend pipes up "Well, we get the spare room" in a crabby tone that just screamed "well I'm pg, my hubby and I get the extra bed!!!" Well, if I happen to be pg at that party, should I fight her for it?? Rub it in my face a little more hunnybunch. You're the one who thinks everyone hates you because you're pg, are you out to make it true?? I swear I'm not letting any of those friends make too big a deal out of things when I get pg. In our group of friends we have one woman who has had 4 miscarriages and another, while she's only been ttc a few months, has been waiting and wanting for a couple of years for her dh to say it was okay to start.

Another friend at the bar was being quite interesting last night. She was complaining that this'll probably be the last time she can drink for a while because her hubby and her had sex not too long after she was due for her depo provera shot and that since she's a fertile mertile she's probably pg because of it. She's younger than me and already has two kids and it certainly doesn't sound like she wants another one right now. She also told me that if Chris and I come out next Wednesday, she'll have pictures of the kids... her two and then her sister's two. Umm, pass thanks, I know what they look like.

Okay, I'm done complaining. I fully realize I brought this apon myself, but I missed some of my friends. It was really good to see some of them, they are a really fun bunch :). I guess I'll just have to take better advantage of the time when I could be hanging out with them when pg friend isn't around. I feel bad that I need to avoid her, but it's better than taking the 50/50 chance of bawling my eyes out all night because I'm jealous.

Stupid progesterone!

2004-12-18T08:33:00.000-06:00

Seems I just can't get lucky, my progesterone was low again. From what I understood, the Clomid and HCG shot were supposed to make me have a stronger ovulation which would cause my progesterone to be good, but nooooo, I have to go back on the Crinone. I swear that stuff gave me a yeast infection last time, but my doctor swears it doesn't do that *sigh*. So that means if by some miracle I am pg this month, I'll probably be on the Crinone for a couple of months which totally sucks. I'll definately do what I have to do in order to bring a happy, healthy baby into this world, but why does it have to be so gross and uncomfortable? The medication makes me really raw "down there" so definately no sex and I need to be careful what undies I wear. Ok, I'll stop whining about that now, I'm just pissed off that my progesterone is low.

I'm really hoping I don't have to ever do another HCG shot again. When I went in yesterday, I had to ask the nurse about some side effects I've been having because I'm still cramping and I was worried that it wasn't normal, but I guess that's a side effect of the shot, not the IUI so I was relieved about that. I have been so extrememly exhausted lately because of the shot, getting in bed at 8, falling asleep by 9 and then coming very close to oversleeping in the morning. I guess if I ever do need to do the shot again, I'll beg the nurse for a note saying I can't start work until 8 lol.

Oh, another thought. I guess I should be really greatful for the choices I've made. For those of you who wouldn't remember, my gyn gave me the choice between being refered to a specialist, going on Clomid, or just immediately starting a progesterone supplement as soon as I saw another bfp. Well, had I gone the Clomid route, appearently that wouldn't have helped me any, not the 50mg dose and I very well could have ended up having another miscarriage due to low progesterone. Kinda scary when you think about it!

I go in for my pg blood test on the 27th. I'll be doing a hpt before then, not sure when, but I probably won't post anything until after the blood test because of my previous luck with hpt's.

OW!

2004-12-11T14:25:00.000-06:00

Well, the shot wasn't bad at all, actually, I never felt the needle as hard as that may be to believe, but it hurts like a sonofab*tch now. Oh my goodness, I can barely walk on that leg!!!

The IUI was actually worse than I expected. It wasn't horrible, but I had a ton of cramping. DH had some great sperm for this! 192 million!!! And most of them were moving in the right direction. I had to take a second look at the numbers after the nurse told me, I couldn't believe it. And that's after having the sample just a little too long because we had bead directions. I couldn't go to the office I normally go to because they're closed on weekends, so I had to go to a different branch and we ended up going about 5 miles in the wrong direction... dang yahoo driving directions lol!

Well, I go in for a second insemination tomorrow. I'm not sure I see the point, but we might as well take advangtage of it :).

IUI update

2004-12-10T16:32:00.000-06:00

Following my nurses instructions, I went in for a u/s today even though I have yet to see a positive opk. It's a good thing I went because I have one 18mm follicle that is about ready to pop! The bloodwork they did on me today showed that my LH is surging, so it must have started not too long after I took my opk this morning. That means, I get my HCG injection tonight. I've been looking forward to this, but I am also very nervous. I know it's going to hurt and even though I trust my husband, I just worry that something will go wrong. I will go in tomorrow and Sunday mornings for the inseminations which I am also extrememly nervous about. I've done so much reading on infertility, yet I still am not exactly sure what to expect here. I imagine this is all done with a catheter, but I'm just not sure. I guess I'll need to read up on that a bit tonight, I don't know why it never occured to me to do that before.

I've also been feeling very down these past few days. Yesterday was the one year mark since my second miscarriage. That means it has been 1 year since I have been pregnant. This is the longest we've had to try without results. It's pretty depressing when I put it that way. What a long journey this has been. I have to say that I truly cannot believe this has taken up 2 years of my life, but if there's a happy, healthy baby at the end of this road, I know that I would go through it all again.

Feeling miserable

2004-12-03T22:25:00.000-06:00

I guess I'm just having a bad couple of days here, I'm not sure whether to blame it on the Clomid or just blame it on life.

For starters, Chris is still having a really rough time dealing with his recent losses. I don't blame him one bit, and I have to say, I completely understand, but I guess it's just taking it's toll on me. He's not sleeping well, so he needs to get his sleep when it comes to him, which lately seems to be just before I get home from my second job. Yes, I'm still filling in at that other job. So, I've been coming home, very sore, very tired, and very worn out in every way I can be, looking forward to spending a little bit of quality time with my loving husband, and there he is half asleep or snoring. I know he loves me, I know how important to him I am, I guess I'm just not feeling loved right now. I feel so bad for him and I just feel worse for feeling neglected if that makes sense.

Next I have to say, I am so sad for Shannan. I was not expecting to come home and find that af showed up for her :-(.

I AM SO TIRED!!! My goodness, it's like I'm not sleeping at all lately. I slept one night from 9:30pm until 6 the next morning and woke up feeling like I got 3 hours of sleep. The next two nights, I got less than an ideal amount of sleep and just felt worse. I'll blame last night on Chris. I woke him up an hour after I got in bed for a good night hug and kiss and he woke up ready to chat a little and then wanting some "wifely comfort". My options were to spend the next 20 minutes trying to make him understand that I needed sleep or just give in so he'd leave me the heck alone. Bleh. Well, I have to admit that I've been really in the "mood" lately because I haven't been getting any (due to Chris being so upset) but I don't think struggling to stay awake during sex constitutes a good time.

I think that's the end of my griping. I should add that as of today, my FMLA is completely approved and good to go for next week. I was getting such a headache from that. Yesterday I got called by HR twice because of problems with the paperwork and then one more time today, but all is well with that now!

Just as I though, no cysts

2004-12-01T10:49:00.000-06:00

My ultrasund today went just fine.. or as my nurse said, beautifully. I actually didn't get nervous about the possibility of cysts until last night when I remembered that there is a reason I have that ugly ass scar on my abdomen. Sheesh, it's been 5 years, why is that thing still so ugly? Anyways, they drew blood to do a pregnancy test. Nurse said she's only call if there's a positive so if I don't hear from her, go ahead and start the clomid. Somehow, I don't think I'll be hearing from her tonight lol.

Sallyann (my nurse) put my mind to ease a bit today. I told her I was getting nervous about the opk's so she said that if I don't have a surge by the 10th, to just come in anyways so that there isn't a chance of missing it over the weekend. So it would seem I have, at the most, 10 days to prepare for one big pain in my ass hehe. I made Sallyann and the receptionist laugh when I told them about my digital opk's and the smiley face they display when positive. No mistaking the positive there :-).

Af arrived, awaiting my nurse to get around to my FMLA paperwork

2004-11-29T18:56:00.000-06:00

I'm on cd 2 so I go in for a u/s on Wednesday and then start Clomid on Thursday. My nurse told me she'd get my paperwork for FMLA faxed over to HR at the end of last week, but when I checked in today, it wasn't there yet. Oh I hope she got it in today, I don't want to have to worry about Wednesday. I do still have half a vacation day left, but who knows how long this appointment will be. It would be nice to be able to completely take Wednesday off hehe, although I just couldn't do that. That's about all I have for now. I doubt I'll have any update after my ultrasound, they're just checking for cysts and I don't think I have any (knock on wood).

Working my bum off..

2004-11-20T11:37:00.000-06:00

The last couple of weeks, I've been working at my old job again. I've been filling in for someone who was in the hospital and now awaiting a doctor's release to return to work (yippee). I don't think it would be so bad, but I've been having to work a 4 hour shift in less than 3 hours because of the time I get off of my real job, so it's a lot of rush rush rush. I leave the house at 6:30 am and crawl back in the door at 7:30-8:00 pm. I've also been working the weekends so no days off for me :-(. I want to apologize to all of my friends out there because I really having been able to be around to offer support lately.

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I've also been having to deal with my DH. Over the last month, he's had several of his friends die, very unfortunate coincidence. He hasn't been taking it well at all and is pretty depressed. I feel so badly for him, but there isn't much I can do. I really wish I could make this all better for him, but I imagine what I'm feeling right now is pretty similar to how he was feeling as I was dealing with the miscarriages. I would get so depressed and cry all the time, and there just wasn't much he could do for me.

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Monday we go in for our injection teaching appointment. I'm hoping and praying that I can get my doctor to sign my FMLA papers. I'm so nervous about that because if I don't get the leave, I could end up losing my job over all of this time off and then I wouldn't having insurance which would mean that the logical thing to do would be put off the IUI and I don't think that's an option I can deal with.

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My mother and I work for the same company. For about a year now she's been trying to get a job where she used to work (a lot more money, less stress, all around better job). Well she's now unofficially gotten that job and I have my eye on her job lol. It would be the same conditions for me, more money, less stress, all around better job lol. Not to mention it would get me out of direct labor. I'm just not meant for factory work. It'll be a few weeks before she can put in her resignation because she's waiting until her current college courses are done so she can get reimbursed for them, so soon I really need to keep an eye on those internal postings!

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The b**** at work has really calmed down. Since I had that little chat with my boss, Judi only got nasty with me once. I completely froze so I wasn't able to say anything to her, which I really regret, but my guess is that she caught wind that I went to the boss about her and realized she needed to calm down or she could really get herself into trouble. Judi actually ignored me for a few days after that so I played on that. I don't normally eat lunch where she does, but I made a point of doing that a few times and the first time, it seemed like she was really squirming. That felt kinda good and things seem to be on the right track now, so I'm feeling a little less stressed out by that job :-).

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! I hope to get caught back on on everyone's blogs soon!

Work Rant

2004-11-09T19:31:00.000-06:00

I think this has been a long time coming, I really need to complain about my job.

It isn't a bad job, the work isn't terrible and I have quite a few very friendly co-workers. But I swear, if I did not need the insurance, I would not be there! Well, that isn't entirely true... I could apply for a job, better paying with the same insurance that kicks in immediately, but because of the time off I need for the RE, now is not a good time to change jobs.

There is this woman, Judi, down at work that drives me absolutely insane. She can be the kindest woman you know, very concerned, but she can also be the wicked witch of the west. She has a bit of seniority in the department. She is the boss's stand in when the boss is gone and she's my trainer (not that I need much training after being there almost a year). She also tends to think she owns the joint. People play their radios down there to help pass the time. If anything, the radios help productivity. Judi appearently does not like radios as she is constantly yelling for them to turn their radios down. They aren't loud and I have never once heard Judi ask nicely for them to turn the radios down, she just yells. During the first 4 months I worked there, Judi made me feel so incompetent that on 3 seperate occassions I started looking for a new job. I guess mistakes aren't learning experiences in her eyes, they're failures because she never makes mistakes (umm, BS!).

2 weeks ago, a new guy started in my department. The boss assigned him to me and a close co-worker to train. She specifically told us what to do with him. Later on, Judi started yelling at us that he shouldn't be doing something and refused to listen to explaination that the boss told us to have him do that. So for the first time I actually went and talked with the boss. Appearently that wasn't good enough because even after getting verification with the boss, Judi let into me about it. So I went to the boss again and things got half way straightened out. Judi has her nose so far up the boss's rear that she almost got her way on this one. That's just one example of what Judi does.

Today, 3 of us were working on an order that we get daily. There is a certain way we are supposed to run this order, but we haven't been doing it that way because of a problem we are having with a machine at the beginning of the line. Running it the normal way would cause 2 people to be standing around for the greater part of 3 hours... very bad for productivity. We decided amongst ourselves without consulting the almighty Judi to do the order differently in the interests of time. At the end of the day Judi tells me that she talked to Scott (our engineer who must have recently taken a title as the master of productivity or something) and we (the 3 people who were working on the order today) are to run the order the normal way from now on. I mentioned to her the problem with the machine and she wouldn't hear of it. She had a very aristocratic tone about her and wouldn't even offer an explaination as to why.we were supposed to go back to running the order the old way. As if she has the right to tell me what to do. I was hoping that I'd have an opportunity to talk wit the boss before I left work, but no such luck.. guess I'll have to do it in the morning. If the boss doesn't get Judi to change her attitude and I don't get my FMLA for my IUI, I swear I am so out of there. I know there are better opportunities out there for me now, and this time I'm not sitting around stuck with this stress I don't need because I'm too timid... nope, done being a freeking door mat for people like Judi. Oh I guess I should also throw in here that because she is my trainer, Judi has input into my reviews and she has made this fact known to me on a few occassions, hmm, think I should feel threatened??

The long awaited appointment

2004-11-05T19:08:00.000-06:00

Seems like forever since I've had a reason to post a new entry. Was stuck in that wonderful waiting period between RE appointments!

So here's the scoop from today. While we aren't doing anything with the RE this cycle, we were given the go ahead to keep trying anyways. Next cycle, assuming that a miracle happens and my boss grants me all the time off I need, we'll be moving on to Clomid and IUI! I'm not exactly sure why we're doing clomid now that I think of it, but I guess as long as we're going so far as to do an IUI, we may as well make sure that there isn't much chance that bad luck will strike and I'll end up having an anovulatory cycle.

So, why the big jump from doing natural cycles to doing IUI you might ask? Turns out that DH's second SA wasn't exactly perfect. It wasn't horrible, most of his numbers we alright, but his motility was only at 20 or 30% and the RE said she likes to see 50%. Ouch, my poor man's ego when that sets in!

I am so excited about all of this but at the same time, extremely worried that my boss won't approve the time off. To me, this RE stuff is so much more important than my job, but the unfortunate downside is that we can only afford this because my insurance covers it all. I'm looking at 7 days that I'll need time off on in the same month. No, I won't need full days off... well, I don't know about the 2 IUI days, but I have half a vacation day left and we can only take those in 4 hour increments and outside of that, company policy is that we may only take 4 hours per week in flex time. Flex time meaning that I take the time off and then make it up in the same week. I imagine that the week of the IUI's will be very hard to get approval for because not only will I have to go in for the IUI's but also an ultrasound the day before. I may get very lucky and end up having my LH surge on a Friday which would mean that the IUI's would be done on Saturday and Sunday, but I just don't see that happening. It also means that my last blood test may just fall right before Christmas. My boss can only allow 3 people to be gone on the same day and if it happens to fall the day before our first day off for Christmas, I'm screwed :-(. I'll need to look at a calendar to see exactly how this may end up falling depending on how long this cycle ends up being, but I can just imagine my boss saying "no, no, and NO!". She's a nice boss, but she has a responsibility to keep the department running. Oh how I wish I had one of my old jobs back.. the really flexible one where I showed up when I wanted to for as long as I wanted to lol! Hey here's a thought, maybe I'll strike gold and a position will open up at my job for second shift! lol

Odd

2004-10-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

No sign of my period yet and I took my last dose of progesterone Wednesday morning. Looking back at last cycle, af cam the day after my last dose (I though it was 2 days, but appearently not). Last cycle, I took the progesterone for 9 days, this cycle for 7... last cycle, my progesterone before the supplement was 10 points higher than this cycle. I would think that if there'd be any difference at all, my period would have started earlier this time than last time. I've had a little cramp here and there, but nothing that tells me that my period is going to come NOW. I don't like thinking that af could show up any minute for several days in a row, so that might drive me a little nuts, but maybe I'll luck out and she'll hold out until my next RE appointment lol. Then I'd be able to start whatever treatment we're going to do right away... ummm, sure! That's only 13 days away haha.

I survived Friday night at the bar. DH and I played darts in the corner most of the night. 2 of our friends came and joined in the game after about an hour and I kicked all their butts :). Guess it helps to have my own darts.

Dh and I finally went out with his brother and his brother's wife again. We haven't hung out since their wedding in April. We went out to see Team America, the puppet movie. I thought it was okay, but everyone else seemed to think it was hilarious.

Another update

2004-10-22T05:48:00.000-05:00

My pregnancy test on Wednesday came back negative and I've been feeling just DANDY ever since *note sarcasm*. I was pretty bummed out about it, especially since this time I truly had a gut feeling that this was it. Betrayed by my instincts :-(.

Of course it can only get worse from there, right? My next appointment with the RE isn't until November 5th. I'm gonna take a wild stab and say that I will ovulate that day, which means it'll be way to late to do anything for next cycle and with how long it can take to get insurance approval, I'm not sure about the cycle after that either.

I guess anyone not in my shoes or similar shoes would find this next bit quite hilarious, so i don't expect any readers to be laughing.... at the end of the day on Wed., a co-worker of mine had to leave for a doctor's appointment. I don't know how, but someone started joking that she was going in for a pg test (she's a tad too old to be pg). Well she came in yesterday morning saying "It's was positive!" and then went on to say that her single daughter took a pg test last night and it turns out she's expecting. Lovely way to start a morning.

It seems like babies are the topic of conversation so much more on my worst days... we had a meeting at work yesterday and the first thing one of my co-workers did was ask the leader of the meeting how his new baby was doing. Of course the conversation couldn't end there, it somehow evolved into just a general baby conversation that went on and on. I was kicking myself for going to that meeting, it was kind of optional.

Tonight, Chris and I are going to the bar like usual. We skipped last Friday since I couldn't drink, so Chris really REALLY wants to go this time. My pregnant friend will be there, I don't know how she can continue to go up there right now, it's beyond me, but if tonight is anything like the last time I was there, I'm going to have one really bad night. I would just stay home, but my wonderful dh decided to invite some not-so-local friends of ours up there so I really don't have much of a choice. Unfortunately, I can't afford to get hammered like I did last time, so I'll have to grin and bear it and then run to the bathroom at some point in the night.

I have to throw in a little off topic vent here. I know this may not be at all appropriate, but I need to get it off my chest. I am very sad to see what it STILL happening with my old m/c forum. I only visited because someone told me that "they're at it again". This board has really become a laughingstock. It's talked about on other forums and it has been in the past. While I would never post anonymously, and I certainly wouldn't condone it, I also can't blame some of the anon posters for not wanting to put their names. I honestly feel that sometimes, some of the regulars need to shut their mouths and open their ears so to speak. I don't know how they do it, but there are a couple of people who manage to turn a post that wasn't about them in the first place into a personal attack on themselves. I just don't get it! *uhg* It makes me appreciate my new forum so much more. I really wish I could re-establish contact with some of the women on the old forum, but seeing how they react to certain things tells me it's not a good idea.

Anniversary weekend :-)

2004-10-10T15:30:00.000-05:00

There's some good and some bad to be shared, but mostly good stuff :).

DH was pretty secretive about what we were doing this weekend, all I knew was that I was to pack clothes for the weekend and everything I would need because we were NOT coming home. We drove a couple towns over to our first destination which happened to be the Holiday Inn. DH went through the trouble of making sure we got the room we had the night of our wedding. He and a friend of ours must have spent hours getting this room ready, there were daisies and lit candles EVERYWHERE. I mean daisies on the bed, on every table (there were 4 tables) in the bathroom, on the bath tub! Can you tell daisies are my favorite? I sooo wish I had brought a camera with me, this was really beautiful.

We settled into the room and ordered dinner, this was my first experience with room service hehe and then got ready to go out. We went out to our regular bar because all of our friends were there and this is where the bad stuff kicks in. Like I mentioned before, my newly pg friend was there. I could handle seeing her and being around her, but it took about 9 drinks before I could congratulate her. I would have been fine, but like I feared, a big deal was made of her pregnancy. The woman that runs kareoke was making comments at least every 5 minutes uhg, I felt like this was being rubbed in my face. At one point, the husband got up to sing "Mr. Mom", along with a comment from the kareoke lady, I needed to run to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. This was the point that I needed to start drinking (bleh). The basic jist is that I needed to do what I needed to do in order to keep my sanity, DH really wanted to be there Friday night and he wanted me to be happy. The end of the night found me sick in the hotel parking lot (oh boy did I feel like a stupid teenager :-(. ). DH got me upstairs to the room and gave me a bath (yes, I was that bad) and appearently at some point I fell out of the bathtub somehow and onto the toilet (huge bruise on my thigh to prove it, and I mean HUGE). When I was done being sick, I wenbt into hysterics, bawling my eyes out about life not being fair and so on. Do we ever get used to the concept of life not being fair?

Good news is that whenever I end up crying myself to sleep, I wake up in the best mood! Saturday we lounged around the room all day, we didn't go out until about 9. It was so relaxing! I know I'm not describing how wonderful this weekend was very well, but I can say, I really needed this. This is the first time I haven't felt completely stressed out in a very long time. I'd say this was the perfect way to end our bd fest lol. Can we say three times in one day? ;-)

RE appointment

2004-10-07T13:01:00.000-05:00

I had a nice long post, but my computer ate it :(.

Long story made shorter.... I had a great appointment. Got stuck in the waiting room for quite some time, but met a really nice lady who is in a situation a lot like mine. Traffic sucked, but despite the fact that I didn't have a + opk this morning, I had a nice ripe follicle and ended up getting a + opk when I got home (yes, I used 2 lol). I think they kept me waiting so long because they were looking for an excuse to draw blood today, they find a reason every time and this time was no different lol! I love my RE's office. The women are so wonderful there and the receptionist is a real sweetheart. I love talking to her, she has the perfect phone voice and attitude for a place like that. You can be having a real bummer of a day, but talking to her on the phone will still make you feel cared about.

Well that's it, not quite as eloquent as my original post, but I need to leave for work in an hour and I want to try to catch up on some blogs!

Can I cry now?

2004-10-07T07:00:00.001-05:00

To save people some time, I don't think I'm writing anything here that I haven't posted on the forums. So if you keep up on those, I won't hate you if you don't read this lol.

For starters, Chris is getting laid off tomorrow. What a wonderful anniversary present! Today is our 4th anniversary :).

I am so mad about him being laid off though. I'm sure we'll be fine, he'll be getting unemployment, but the way his boss handled this was very bad. When Chris first took the job, a co-worker warned him that most people get laid off for the winter, the boss swore up and down that he wouldn't be laying him off. A couple of months ago, the boss came clean and said that there was a good possibility of the layoff happening. The about one week ago, the boss said he wouldn't be laying anyone off because he was going to try to sell the business and it looks a lot better to potential buyers if you can say you have x amount of employees. Then on Tuesday, the jerkbutt tells Chris that Friday will be his last day... WTH?

It won't be so bad, the job in Iraq is still a big possibility, however, it looks like that won't start until sometime in December, that's a little long to try and get by on unemployment! Sheesh.

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And now it gets better! Chris and I have some friends we hang out at the bar with. They got married about two months ago and decided to throw out the bcps and start ttc. She didn't even get a period after getting off the pill and she's pregnant... how the hell does that work?? Needless to say, I'm insanely jealous. I'm also terrified of going out to the bar tomorrow. Both her and her hubby will be there and I'm not going to be able to handle it if there's a big deal made of her being preggers. And it seems that people make a big deal out of everything there so I think I'm pretty SOL *uhg*. (to my pg friend's defense, she will not be drinking and our bar isn't all that smokey so there isn't much risk... I think she's only coming out to celebrate our anniversary with us).

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I'm going to the RE this morning, time for my right before ovulation visit with the all-seeing dildo. Ok, so I didn't exactly have a positive opk this morning, but days off are kinda hard to come by sometimes and there is absolutely no way I can get tomorrow off. Besides, last time I went in on the second day of my + opk and I had already ovulated by the time I got there. That means less than 3 hours after my second + opk, I ovulated (is that normal??) so this time should be almost perfect timing lol.

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DH and I have been ttc'ing harder this month than ever before. I've never actually forced bd on him in the past. Heck, I wouldn't even tell him when it was time to do it because I didn't want him to feel pressured by ttc. We always managed to have decent timing though. Well the gloves came off this cycle. The sex has been pretty bad, but I'm hoping it will be VERY worth it. Chris is complaining about this about as much as I am, but thankfully, he also just as willing to do it :).

Uhg (rambling, whiny, vent)

2004-10-02T14:28:00.000-05:00

I really feel like a bit of a hormonal mess lately. This cycle and last cycle I've been experiencing what feels like hardcore PMS right after I get off of my period. I don't get it. I could be in a great mood at the end of the day at work and the moment I come home DH magically does something that just ruins my whole night. You know, maybe he forgot to feed the dog or maybe he forgot to tell me he dropped by a friend's house during the day to say hi. Yesterday I caught myself thinking that one of our friends should get her paws off of my husband... she's a good friend of ours, she was giving him a good-bye hug because we were leaving and she lingered just a second because he was saying something to her and it was hard to hear where we were because the music was really loud (live band). Not to mention that her new love interest was standing right there. Completely innocent situation and I got insanely jealous. Thank goodness I know that some of these things I'm thinking are completely irrational otherwise no one would want to be anywhere near me right now.

I've also been feeling lately that no one understands me. Maybe I'm just crazy but I know that people must be sick of my whining, so I stopped (except for here of course). I've definately perfected feigning happiness, if it weren't for the fact that I have a tendancy to stumble over words occasionally, I'd probably make an excellent actress.

DH thinks I'm just under a lot of stress right now. Maybe he's right, maybe I just need a little bit of professional help until some of it blows over. Uhg.

A Badly Needed Update

2004-09-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

Some of you may recall that I was scheduled for another progesterone and a pg test this past Wednesday. I hadn't updated on it yet because the progesterone I was taking caused such HORRID mood swings that this would have been a 10 page rant instead of a pleasent update lol. It was really bad, worse than provera, worse than being pregnant (mood swing-wise).

First off, I'm not pg (big bummer, but I'm over it now). Chances were kinda on the slim side this time, but we did have one well timed bd and sometimes that's all it takes so I really had my hopes up.

When I called my nurse to get the results, she had asked me what we wanted to do next cycle, do another natural cycle or move on to Clomid. I told her I needed to talk to dh about it and would call her the next day. This is where my trouble started... I brought up the subject with dh and thought I made it very obvious that this required discussion, appearently he didn't get it and promptly changed the subject both times. I got pretty pissed about this (and I was already pissed at him about not doing housework) so I figured the only answer I could give the nurse would be that we'll be putting things off for awhile. Man, if I could only describe some of the thoughts I was having, you'd all agree I should have been locked up in a looney bin! lol It's amazing who irrational hormones can make me some times.

I didn't even know where to begin on telling dh how upset I was. I didn't see a point in discussing the housework because it's a conversation we've had millions of times and it's never gone anywhere. Many couple have recurring arguments over money, ours are about housework. So Thursday I came home figuring that I'd take my frustration out on the laundry, get the garbage out and do my best to make dh feel bad about it. I was out to get my room spotless. I walked in the door and reached for the trash and dh tells me not to do that because he's going to clean today and if I took out the garbage it would mess him up. I got a little skeptical, but let him be. He actually took out 2 bags of garbage, put away the clean laundry that had been sitting in baskets (even matching the socks!!!!!), did a couple more loads of laundry, and some other stuff. I was in shock!

At the end of the night he asked me if I was still mad at him and I told him I was and the proceeded to explain about how I felt it was very important to have a conversation about what we were doing with the RE and how he had changed the subject on me. He told me that he didn't realize I was trying to have a conversation about it and then promised to talk to me about it on Friday.

We had a pretty good conversation. I need to call the RE back on Monday to let them know we'll try one more natural cycle and then probably move on to Clomid. DH and I talked for about an hour and even chatted about some baby names :). We already have names for our first boy and girl (had the boy name picked out a long time ago because dh is insistant that our first son be named after someone and I wasn't about to argue, girl name is for a dear friend of mine who past away a few years ago, she was a resident in the nursing home I used to work in), but I told DH that under no circumstances are we deciding on names while I'm pg, I've seen some of the names that have resulted from certain overly hormonal women doing that (know one I know hehe) and I don't want to end up doing that. I didn't quite mean that we had to discuss names right then and there, but dh started listing off a bunch of boy names that he liked and suprisingly, there was really only one I didn't like! Also a part of that conversation, dh told me that he talked to his newlywed brother and told him that he had better not get his wife pg before I get pg lol! Thank goodness they've already decided to wait a few years before trying!

Oh, and for those of you who have been following my dh's job situation, the date got moved back so we do have a couple of months to try before he heads out to Iraq (from the sound of things, as long as his physical goes well, it's a done deal, but I still need to get some specifics about that from dh).

Odds and Ends

2004-09-14T19:22:00.000-05:00

I'll start with my good news. Turns out I did ovulate after all! Appearently I did manage to o sometime in that 3 hours between the time I took my temp and had my ultrasound last week. So now I'm on progesterone (vaginal suppositories yippee).

It's really funny to me how doctors' opinions differ. When I was doing testing through my gyn, I had a day 21 p4 of 9.4 and he felt that was in the normal range. This time I had a 7dpo p4 which came back at 17 and the doctor felt it was too low. Go figure.

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Sunday evening DH and I went out to dinner with his family. His brother that is in the Marines had to leave for California on Monday. I'm going to miss my sister in law and their kids, but it's not that long until the holidays. I really didn't want to be there Sunday, I don't like most of my inlaws. Especially that one who said evil things to me and never apologized. But of course she was there and all hugs and smiles with me.

But the real point I was getting at here is that this dinner was so hard. The conversation towards the end was all "baby this" and "baby that" I didn't think I was going to make it without having to run out of there.

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And that brings me to last Friday night. DH and I were at the bar with our friends. I don't know what set me off but it was like all of a sudden I was having a major melt down without provokation. I can't think of anything that could have set me off, but I barely held the tears back long enough to make it out to the car. I definately wasn't drunk, so it wasn't alcohol influencing my emotions. I don't get it, I'm usually not that bad in public. The only thing I can think of in retrospect is that Friday our first baby would have been 7 months old (holy cow!), but that wasn't on my mind at all that day.

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And last but not least, the job in Iraq. I thought very hard about this and lost a lot of sleep, but I told DH to go ahead and apply. That doesn't mean for sure that he's going (there's an interview involved) and I do still have a little time if I change my mind. I did tell him that I didn't think it was fair of him to place the decision on me, but he told me that he was more or less asking my permission. That made me feel slightly better about it. That's all I'll write on that, I'll start thinking about it again and end up rambling on and on.

EDIT: I was pretty tired when I posted this, I forgot to add a huge thank you to everyone who gave me their opinions and advice. It was very helpful and I really apreciate it!

Something to think about

2004-09-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

I need some help making one really huge decision, I hope someone out there can give me an opinion on this.

Those of you who have known me for awhile know that DH and I have had more than our fair share of money problems over the past couple of years. DH was laid off twice and "let go" once while I was laid off and then for a long time the best we could do was one part time job for each of us. Right now we're almost done with the paperwork to file bankrupcy so it's only a matter of days on that and then a small court date a few months down the road to finish that off.

Well, DH thinks he's found a solution to get us back on track here. He's been offered a security job in Iraq for $200,000. It's a year long contract and he'd either get to come home for 5 days every 3 months or 10 days sometime in the middle of the term, we're not sure. The way they have things worked out is that if someone is over there longer than 320 days, the pay is tax free (it's a goverment contract so they can do that).

DH has left the decision entirely up to me (umm, yay?) and I seriously don't know what to think. I can't count the danger aspect because I know that's the type of work he'll end up doing whether I like it or not. He'll be going into the Marines, infantry as soon as we can afford for him to finish his schooling. That was his dream before I met him so I have to live with that.

What I do have to consider is that it means a year without DH and pushing back ttc for a year. We've been ttc almost 2 years already, so that is a hard point for me. Besides missing DH, him being gone for that long would really be harsh because I rely on him for a lot. I still have many meltdowns about my m/c's plus the idea that we're not really parents yet so he's my rock and support at those times. I can't drive on the expressways, but I need to get places that require that. I just recently took my first trip down to the suburbs on my own and that was hard enough (I know, I'm a wuss).

On the plus side... that really is a lot of money. DH going from making $10/ hr at a job he absolutely hates to making that much money would really help. I'd be able to quit work and go to school full time if I wanted to (not sure I'd do that though because I do really like my insurance and I can get my company to pay for my basic college courses and whatever courses I take that could be considered part of a batchelor in science or arts, might as well save money where we can). We'd be able to buy a house and get our car paid off and then as soon as DH goes into the military, we could rent the house out for a little extra cash there. $200,000 is a lot of money, but I know it won't last. Also, there is total job security there. There is a contract involved so the only way this could fall through is if DH doesn't hold up to his end of it.

So I guess what I need opinions on is this: Is this in our best interests (and the best interests of our future children) and I'm just letting my emotions cloud my judgement?

I don't have too long to think about this, if he takes the job, he needs to leave at the end of this month and if he doesn't take it soon, someone else might. Thanks in advance for any opinions!

WTF? Coicidence?

2004-09-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

Today I made the drive to my long awaited RE appointment. I was a nervous wreck last night thinking about the drive since I have never driven on roads like the ones I had to today before. DH always carts me around everywhere but since he doesn't get vacation, we couldn't afford for him to take off work for this. I think I should have been more concerned about surviving the parking lot than the roads though. The medical complex has a more complicated parking lot than the mall and it's under construction. It took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to get to the right building!

So I finally made it through the parking lot and go in. I didn't have to wait very long at all. I go back and get ready for the ultrasound while the tech preps the all seeing dildo.... I actually refered to it as that to the tech and made her bust out laughing :). Unfortunately, I didn't have one mature folicle. That pretty much means that any way I look at it, this cycle is a bust. The thought ran through my head that maybe I already ovulated, but my temp this morning was way too low and I'm sure I'm not lucky enough to have o'd in the3 and a half hours between the time I took my temp and the ultrasound. Is it just my luck that I would have an anovulatory cycle my first cycle with the RE? Or am I going through some twisted version of secondary infertility?

I'm really starting to wonder if they were having some kind of huge discount on incompetant bodies when I was concieved. I really don't understand this. I suppose I don't have to understand, but by the same token, I don't have to like it either. Of course having to move on to another cycle will mean more time off of work, I'm sure my boss will just love that. But this is why I took this job so I'll do it as long as they let me. As it is, I have to take time off two more times this cycle. They want to do a p4 and a pg test just in case. I think it's stupid to even bother with the pg test if there's no way I can get pg this cycle, but oh well, I guess it's their policy.

Trying desperately to expand my horizons

2004-08-19T21:40:00.000-05:00

In some ways, I'm a very book smart person. My sense of perception is often skewed, however. So, in an effort to actually make myself not feel like a dumb blonde, I picked up my very own copy of Dante's Divine Comedy today. Early birthday present to myself.

I will make it through this book if I have to re-read it five times standing on my head... that's one thing I have going for me, stubborn persistance.

At the same time, I will also be learning how to speak Italian. Language interests me and I hope to one day understand many languages. My top interests here are:

Italian
French
Japanese
Latin

I suppose it would be prudent to learn Latin first, but then again I am a glutton for punishment. I also need to go back and relearn German, however I'd rather wait until I can afford to go back to school in order to do that. I took German for 3 years in high school, dropped it the 4th year because I didn't like how the new teacher taught.

This should be a rather successful distraction for me in my wait to have a successful pregnancy of my own, but I don't believe it will be any kinder on my sanity. Wait... I have sanity left???

Nah, not me, no way.

I'm so silly

2004-08-17T16:50:00.000-05:00

I really had to laugh at myself today. My birthday is Friday and I've been excited about it since Monday. I'm such a goof getting all excited about my birthday like a little kid :).

It's all good though, Mommy (hehe) is bringing me a cake down to work that day.

Short post today, I just wanted to add something that wasn't whiney or depressing.

Afraid to open my email

2004-08-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

I haven't actually read any of my email in days. I've seen from a preview list what's in there and I'm afraid it will hurt too much to read it.

There is a messege from a dear friend of mine, one who concieved a child by accident about the time that my husband and I decided we were ready to try for our first child. She recognized that she had happened upon a blessing and I was happy for her. I attended her baby shower as a congratulating friend and definatetly never had one ill thought.

I kept this dear friend of mine up to date on my ttc journey. I told her when we started, I told her when I was pregnant, I told her when I was suffering because of my losses. I explained in no uncertain terms how helpless and empty I was feeling. She used to be my best friend while we were still in school, we didn't drift all that far apart because of distance though.

I thought she understood what I was going through, but I guess that would be unreasonable of me seeing as how she's never lived this nightmare (thankfully) and I do not believe she knows anyone who has (also, thankfully). However, one week after my second miscarriage, she emailed me, excitedly, to tell me that her brother's girlfriend was pregnant (obviously an accident) and expecting less than one week after I should have been due.

I can't blame her. She didn't realize that news would come to me as a bitter stab to the heart. I am happy for all involved, but it just hurts so damned much to know that there are people out there who have no way to provide for a baby that came to them by accident when people like my husband and I can't seem to have one of our own.

WHY???

Why do my babies die? Why do the accidental pregancies not wait until the couple is ready to support and welcome a baby? Why do I have so many friends suffering through the battle of infertility or miscarriage? Why do I find myself sitting in front of the computer, unable to see because I'm crying again?

This email I'm afraid I can't bear to read is entitled "I have the most adorable niece in the world". The title alone is a hard reminder of what I should have right now. It hurts me that I'm not ready to be happy for them, but then again, I need to allow myself this time to grieve.

I'm suddenly reminded of being at my mother's house when I announced to her that I was expecting (this was my first pregnancy, I didn't tell her about the second one until after the fact). My mother was beyond thrilled and my baby brother (he's 9 now) was excited. We joked for awhile about him becoming "Uncle Dave". It was a hilarious thought, him being only 9 years older than his future niece or nephew. I don't quite recall what he said when he found I had lost the baby, but I know he felt the disappointment as well.

Do you have any children??

2004-08-09T20:19:00.000-05:00

I find myself faced with that question a lot since I seem to always be meeting new people. Every time I have to hesitate and question whether or not it's appropriate to say something like "no, no living children" or just say "no" and leave it at that.

I find that the first answer often prevents more questions along the lines of "planning on having any soon?". And most times I also find the need to acknowledge my babies in heaven. I feel they deserve to be acknowledged and it breaks my heart everytime I just say "no, no children yet".

However, I know that when people ask the question, they probably aren't looking for a sob story, so I need to remember that and be sensative to their feelings (even though they generally aren't all that sensitive to mine).

So what's a girl to do? I used to think that anyone asking that question should know what's up with me so that they'd understand not to push the conversation, but then I realized that most people just don't understand. It was a hard lesson to learn because I would just think that someone was either way too dippy to hang out with or that they were a flat out jerk, but now I know better.

I wish people would just not use that question as an ice breaker, I don't want to go into a sob story, I don't want to look like I'm seeking pity from anyone who asks, I just want not to be asked!

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After submitting my post, I thought I should add...

My upper respiratory infection symptoms are doing MUCH better, however the antibiotics are working overtime on a mission to kick my butt! I have half of the mile long side effects listed and just wish I could afford to take the next week off of work... yeah right! Gosh I hate that warning on the bottle that says even if you feel better in a few days, you must continue the medication for it's full course, lol!!

I had to skip my modeling class tonight, which I'm not happy about. I just hope I get to make it up before "graduation". After "graduation" they bring in representatives from agencies to meet you, but if you haven't made up all of your missed classes, you have to wait. I loathe the idea of making any more trips into the city than necessary and would really hate to have to go back there to meet these representatives at a later date just because I got sick.

Inconcievable thoughts

2004-08-06T23:01:00.000-05:00

So I had a doctor's appointment today. I switched appointments with my husband for our new general practitioner because I've had a sore throat for the last 5 days. I figured I just had a regular cold... you know, runny nose, cough, sneezing (abnd in the middle of summer too!). Appearently I have a full blown upper respiratory infection (umm, yuck!). The sore throat really got to me though because I've been able to eat little more than chicken broth for the last 3 days and well... I WANT REAL FOOD! Trust me, I'm not the type that runs to the doctor when I get a little cough of a scraped knee.

Now the cough has really set in and in the last 30 minutes, I've coughed so hard 5 times that if I had any real food in my system, it would now be splattered all over my front driveway (and my husband's dashboard). Given all of that and the fact that I did ovulte in the last few days, I can just imagine that all chances of conception for this cycle are blown.

I can picture it now, a perfectly fertilized egg in my womb, all nice and cozy one minute and the next minute thinking "What the hell am I doing here??? *cough* *cough* *ploop*". I suppose it was kind of silly for me to even want to try this cycle considering that I have my "natural cycle" scheduled with my RE next month. The "natural cycle" means that I will not be doing IUI or IVF or any of those fancy procedures. I'll ovulate on my own, have sex on my own, do a progesterone test and then use progesterone suppositories (or at least that's what I understood).

The good news, however, is that my new doctor seems to be good. He did a well preformed exam on me, determined that my problem was a respriatory infection, prescribed me an antibiotic and a cough supressent and then inquired about my stomach problems. He asked me if I wanted him to prescribe me something for it, I said YES!! and then he told me to schedule a follow-up in one month to see how I'm doing. That's a major plus because my old doctor never gave me follow-up instructions. The last thing my old doctor told me was to monitor the problem... no follow-up, no special instructions, nothing. So this really is a good thing (not to mention that this new doctor is actually in my small cornfield town, 5 minutes from home and on my way home from work too!).

Oh hehe, as a funny side note. The "medical assisstant" at the new doctor's office is actually a guy I knew in high school. And he's really cute... can you imagine trying to describe bowel problems and the specifics of what I thought was a cold to a hot guy that you know??? Yikes!

More Ramblings of a Crazy Woman

2004-08-04T03:59:00.000-05:00

I thought I had better enjoy this last 30 minutes of being home sick before I have to rejoin the rat race. I loathe the idea of posting here while my husband is home and awake.

Now I'm sitting and thinking that if , like my RE suspects, progesterone is my problem, is that what caused me to take so long to concieve the first time? Granted, 9 months ttc wasn't all that long in the grand scheme of things, not long enough to warrent a visit to the doctor. But it sure was a heck of a long time to ttc only to lose the child.

Will progesterone be my miracle cure? My gyn seems to think 9.4 on cd21 is within normal range, his nurse disagreed. Websites I checked out on the matter conflicted, half of them agreed with the doctor, half of them agreed with the nurse.

Then there's the issue of my husband's "boys". The RE seems to think there were too many abnormal sperm. I have to admit when I first read his SA results, I was worried, but then I looked it up and everything seemed to be in the normal range. He was scared of all the kinked necks the results reported, jokingly worried that our children would be born with broken necks because of him. I hope his sperm end up not being the problem, how do you fix a kinked neck??

I guess I took my first pregnancy for granted. Even though I had more than one dream of having a miscarriage before the test turned pink that cycle, I was hopeful. After 9 months my prayers had been answered! But a few weeks later when the spotting started while we were away from home, DH and I began to fight because I felt he wasn't concerned enough about this and I was terrified. Blame the pregnancy hormones, but as I cried myself to sleep, I wished for a brief moment that I wasn't pregnant. How terrified I was when a trip to the ER the next morning when full bleeding started confimred I was no longer pregnant... oh the guilt.

Surely I never wanted to lose the baby, this was a child I wished would come long before I got DH to agree to ttc. I prayed for an "accident" for two years since we weren't using any precautions anyways. All I can think is that Ineeded to learn a lesson, not to take my children for granted, and that's why this one was ripped away from me.

I was much better about this with my short lived second pregnancy, however there was a lot of stress this time around. Worried sick that I'd lose the second one, scared to be hopeful. Not to mention one particular in-law that called me more than once to scream at me. She went so far as to say she thought my husband ran off on me. I knew better, but that's just something you don't say to a hormonal pregnant woman. It was the very next day that I found out I had lost the baby, and despite my new found hate for that in-law, I had to convince DH that she was not the reason I lost the baby, that the baby was lost not long after she was created.

Surprisingly, I do my best now to avoid most of my in-laws. Several of them are no better than rumor spreading high schoolers who thrive on drama and sticking their noses where they don't belong. There are a few of my in-laws that I still like to see, but most of the chances I get to see them revolve around family parties, which I still can't drag myself to attend most times.

I know it's common for a person to not like their in-laws, but it's kind of a relief to know that my husnabd can't stand most of his family as well. It's not just me!

Nothing to do today

2004-08-03T13:02:00.000-05:00

I left work early, sick again so now I'm bored out of my mind. I really should call my nurse at the RE's office to ask the millions of questions that popped into my mind immediately following my appointment. Isn't it amazing how a doctor will ask you if you have any questions and most of the time you say "no" only to think up tons of them on the way home?

It's kind of like my latest experience with my general practitioner. I've had a stomach problem for almost 4 years now and this doctor is the only one I've seen about it. The first time, he gave me a prescrpition and sent me on my way. Appearently, he made note in my chart that if the problem persisted, he'd order some tests. Well, fast forward 4 years later, this long lost note was found after I visited the doctor again.

This time I actually saw the NP, who I like much better. She scheduled me for an ultrasound of my gallbladder and other various organs in that region and told me that if that came out normal, I would be refered to a GI specialist. She also added that we needed to put TTC on hold and make sure to use precautions because of the testing the specialist would put me through.

The doctor did my ultrasound which showed everything normal, told me to monitor the problem, shook my hand and told me to have a nice weekend. It wasn't until i got out to my car that I realized what had just happened, this doctor blew me off again! So instead of a case of not having any questions, this was a case of forgetting to tell the doctor to stick his head up his butt.

Thankfully, I'm almost positive I hadn't o'd yet, so it wasn't a waste of a cycle. Just a normal "whatever happens, happens" one. Also, I called today to schedule an appointment with a new doctor, hopefully this one will be a good one and actually do something about my stomach.

Day 2

2004-08-03T10:25:00.000-05:00

Well it would have been day 2 of my daughter's life had I not lost her back in December. I'm finding that dealing with the little anniversarries associated with this second miscarriage are quite a bit easier to deal with than with my first, even when some of them fall close together.

Of course I was sad on my due date, who wouldn't be? But it was nothing like the day I had on what would have been my first due date, March 10th. I couldn't even find the will to crawl out of bed that day. And to think, there's so many people out there that think I should be over this by now. As sad as I am for them, it's a comfort knowing friends who have had miscarriages. I don't think anyone truly understands unless they've gone through this. I wish no one had to understand.

My view on miscarriage is that having one is like having your heart ripped out through your uterus.... with a rusty spoon. It will always hurt, there will always be a scar. Don't people understand that the children I lost had futures? In the blink of an eye, they were born, starting kindergarten, going off to college, getting married, and then having children of their own. There were family Christmases, birthdays, and a life time of memories. In the next blink, all of that was gone. It wasn't "just a miscarriage", it was the deaths of my children, Chrysta and Emma. They were the best parts of my husband and I perfectly put together to create a new life. It wasn't just some miniscule fetus that was lost, oh no, it was a part of me, now gone forever.